my isms, amongst other things...

Hello 2012

2012-01-02T20:59:00.000+08:00

The new year got off to a rough start. I had a lousy first day of the year.

I did a lot of thinking recently.

Is the adage "promises are meant to be broken" true? The term "janji melayu" is true definitely.. implying that promises made by people of the malay race are usually not kept.

I hate drunks. Or is the proper word "drunkard"? Is it alright that you can do and say whatever you want just because you are under the influence of alcohol? Is it alright to throw caution and sense to the four winds and hurt other people's feelings just because you're too inebriated to know the difference between right and wrong?

How many promises need to be broken before it's really, really too late? Nevermore! - quoth the raven.

My heart is dying by degrees... I feel really cold, empty and lonely inside. You can assure a thousand times, using a million words, through a hundred deeds but I know history will repeat itself.

It just did.

finality

2011-07-10T05:47:00.001+08:00

How many more times must I endure the distrust, the broken promises and the loss of sense of security?

People told me I'm stupid & foolish but I told them.. there is more to it. Now I don't think I can fool myself anymore.

No more. It's over.

"love"

2010-12-25T19:17:00.001+08:00

you don't love me.
you're in love with the idea of being in love with me.
you say your love is pure and unconditional yet
you force it down my throat like a bitter pill.
you say you would lay down your life for me yet
you would not hesitate to wound me, pain me and harm me. and take my life away from me.
if this is your idea of "love",
i don't want to be part of it any longer.
i thought i loved you, but i cannot see anymore the person i loved.

Goodbye.

burning away

2010-10-18T20:04:00.002+08:00

I'm exhausted. Mentally. Physically. I know I brought this upon myself. Yet again, I don't know if I can finish my work. It gets harder and harder everytime. Guess age is catching up on me. No more stamina to go the distance. I knew I should have thought of myself first and not be concerned about what other people may feel. Why should I care about what others are stressing about? I should have handled my own stress first. At the end of the day, my problems are MY problems: no one will be there to help me out. Why should I help others if I don't stand to gain anything from it? Seriously, I am so tired of PEOPLE. This has been a terrible weekend, filled with things that should not have happened. After all the fun and laughter, I'm here alone, by myself, trying to clean up my own mess. My fault really.

I CAN'T STAND IT.

a day without train

2010-09-07T11:52:00.000+08:00

Can one imagine the extent of inconvenience caused by the lack of train service between just two consecutive stations?

I must say that it's VERY inconvenient. What used to be a quick hardly-five-minute trip from lakeside to jurong east mrt station took around twenty mins at least. And it took another twenty min on the free shuttle service provided to reach clementi where normal train operations finally resume. Thats an additional 40mins of travelling time.

So thinking its smarter to just take bus service 154 straight to Clementi (since the bus stops right behind my block, so-to-speak), that was precisely what I did when I wanted to head to town today. Well, it wasn't such a smart move afterall.

Being the only bus that plies the Boon Lay to Clementi route, I don't understand why Sbs didn't make the bus frequency any earlier. Fifteen to twenty min interval between buses is just torturous. On top of that, there were plenty of smart, like-minded people like myself & thus, the buses were all packed to the brim with locals and foreign workers. I hardly managed to squeeze past the bus entrance doors.

I guess I shouldn't really be complaining so much since public bus services in many other countries pale in comparison to the system in singapore, but like many other singaporeans who are accustomed to the efficiency of Sbs and Smrt, the sudden lack of it is unnerving, and even frustrating.

Perhaps the best solution to minimise such disruptions in mrt services is to have a multi-prong approach instead of just, let's say, provide a free shuttle service to ferry passengers from one station to the next.

Am I making any sense? It's hard to think on an empty stomach.. I can't wait for the fasting month to be over.

daiso bananas

2010-08-28T19:14:00.000+08:00

Sometimes, there are days when you think you can get so much done but when you're finally up and about, you realise that you can hardly complete half the things which you planned to do.

So that is the case with me today but I DID manage to go down IMM with my family and strike off stuff from our shopping list. And as the norm when we're at IMM, mummy just can't resist the temptation to drop by Daiso. The variety of things that are sold there is simply amazing. And it is the first time that I actually saw banana covers (if that's really the name for it) being sold:

I like yellow :) But honestly, who actually need banana protectors?? (ok, that sounds kinda wrong!!)

fried rice paradise

2010-08-28T07:01:00.002+08:00

"fried rice paradise, nasi goreng very nice, that's a speciality, ninety-nine varieties!"

I think I've known this song since I was a student in secondary school... back in the days when everybody knew Dick Lee as the Mad Chinaman and the composer for local productions like Beauty World, Snow Wolf Lake, Hotpants, Sing To The Dawn, etc. Nowadays, youths will probably recognise him as judge on Singapore Idol and composer of a couple of National Day songs and creative director of the National Day Parade on a few occasions.

Recently, I read the review of Fried Rice Paradise on Berita Harian and the writer made comparisons with Dick Lee's Beauty World which was re-staged in 2006. I didn't manage to catch the latter back then but I did watch it on television during the President's Star Charity in 1998, with Evelyn Tan, Sharon Au and Jacintha in the lead roles. Comparisons are inevitable since both are Dick Lee musicals which are rooted in Singapore culture and made use of plenty of Singlish in their libretto and script. Beauty World, I guess, is a more polished piece of work, having been around a little longer and since it's been re-staged a couple of times already, the one more commercially successful.

I think however, Fried Rice Paradise stands on its own, apart from Beauty World and although I never knew what the original Fried Rice musical was like, the re-working to update it to a 2010 audience, headlined by Singapore Idol 2004 winner Taufik Batisah, is a good, calculated move. Of course, opening during the fasting month is not such a great idea, considering the fact that Taufik, Rahimah Rahim and a few others of the cast are Malay Muslims. A mid-September opening would have been alot better.

I concede that the plot is very predictable, the songs are not as memorable as those in Sing To The Dawn, and the frivolous story is a far cry from the epic Forbidden City: Portrait of an Empress. But the only similarity to Beauty World is in its innocent, virginal heroine, the disco/nightclub scenes and the ah-beng hood-turned-good hero. Err.. maybe that's alot of similarities.

Fried Rice Paradise tries (too hard, perhaps?) to reflect Singapore's multi-racial background by having Rahimah Rahim, Hatta Said and Jacqueline Pereira as secondary characters. Unfortunately, I feel that they are non-essential to the main plot and are mostly around to provide comic relief. Even Taufik's character, Johan, is rather one-dimensional, and his "unrequited love" subplot, had no resolution whatsoever. Furthermore, from my vantage point at circle two, his voice seemed to blend too well with the 'live' orchestra and as a result, there were times when he sounds abit too soft or too muffled. Ok.. so maybe that's the fault of the sound engineers for not amplifying the actor's voice. Another flaw is the rushed finale which seemed very... rushed. Then suddenly, the protagonists have fallen in love and everyone's singing the title song.

I don't mean to sound critical and the show does have its redeeming factors. For instance, Taufik has one moment of glory within the show (hehe..) when he sings a lovely RnB ballad and his smooth as silk vocals really shine. We are once again reminded that he is an accomplished pop performer, but not really having the chops to be a Broadway star. Sebastian Tan and Denise Tan (or was it Celine Rosa Tan, the alternate, that I was watching that day? I really can't tell them apart...), though unconvincing as a pair of youths in love, have voices suited for singing musicals and their comic timing is impeccable. The secondary characters (Rahimah, Hatta, Jacqueline) do have their funny, memorable moments while the villains of the show are also commendable, such as Darius Tan's nasal, over-the-top portrayal of night club owner Ricky Goh and Amanda Tee's hilarious interpretation of Campari, the night club hostess. She reminded me of an ah-lian version of Fran Drescher. The real surprise of the show was when Lim Yu Beng opened his mouth and sang.. I didn't know he could! And he had a very pleasant baritone too.

All in all, Fried Rice Paradise, like its protagonist, is an innocent crowd pleaser, with no noble aspirations and epic drama. It's family entertainment that is good enough to be enjoyed for an evening (though parents must know there are quite a number of rude dialect words being used) but probably not memorable enough to warrant a second viewing. With that said, Singaporeans should try to support local talent.--- my ratings: 3.5 / 5 stars!

ps. I wrote a similar entry almost five days earlier and thought I had successfully posted it using BlogPress on my iphone but unbeknown to me, there was a technical glitch and was never published. So that original entry is lost forever and a new one had to be posted.

out of the blue

2010-08-18T22:06:00.001+08:00

I don't know why this year, I'm more worn out than usual from fasting. Maybe it's just another indication of old age. Or perhaps it's work stress; it is, afterall, common test week. I've realised that marking without my coffee-fix is very challenging.

Anyway, amid my stress and mad rush to complete my work on time, I came across this:

It made me smile for a full minute :)

my first YOG event

2010-08-16T11:52:00.002+08:00

I am now at marina reservoir, babysitting my student spectators who are watching the rowing quarterfinals. Weather is abit dismal; it rained quite heavily when we arrived (and thus we got quite wet) but although the rain has stopped for now, skies are cloudy with no sign of sun.

Crowd is mostly made up of other students from various schools. They gamely shout, scream and wolf-whistle through all the events. I'm not sure if they are genuinely excited or simply ecstatic from being away from school and their classrooms.

At any rate, souvenir booth only accepts either cash or VISA. Tough luck as I only brought along my NETS, mastercard and ten bucks. And my poor kids are starving as refreshment booth doesn't sell anything else but breadrolls and chips which they've run out of within the first hour.

The day wouldn't have been that bad if it weren't for my bout of diarrhoea. It's subsiding but defecating in one of those blue portable toilets is definitely not a pleasant experience.

Oh well! All in a day's work for me!

it's mid-july and i'm missing june

2010-07-13T22:59:00.000+08:00

Although my June hols wasn't much to rave about, I did manage to catch alot of TV, especially my favorite show, Ellen which airs on weekday evenings at 530pm. I don't know why I like Ellen so much. Yes, she's funny but really, sometimes the guests on her talk show aren't really that interesting. My ten-year old niece loves watching her too and blames me, (lovingly) for making her "addicted" to Ellen. Frankly, I think most of the jokes on the show flies over her head but she doesn't mind I guess as Ellen herself, as a celeb personality, is just visually interesting. My older sister, describes her as "kelakar seram". Hilariously scary.

That's not all I miss about June. I miss going to the gym and waking up late on days when I don't have CCA to oversee. I miss bringing my nieces out and talking to my mom while watching TV with her. I miss the feeling of not having to keep track of to-do lists in my head while trying to enjoy my mealtimes or not needing to keep on updating my iphone calendar with upcoming deadlines or important events.

It's only been 3 weeks since the start of the new term but I'm already looking forward to the next long weekend i.e. the National day weekend. Is there anything else to look forward to?

grumbling

2010-06-17T02:59:00.001+08:00

It's Thursday morning. The third of week of June is coming to a close soon. That means the end of the holidays for me since I have to be back at work next week. Yes, first week of school is week after next but since teachers have not much of a work-life balance anyway, we are all expected to start our remedials, re-exams, meetings, etc, all by next week. Since first week of June is "burnt" at school, technically speaking, I have only the second and third to "enjoy" myself.

Actually, I haven't had much of a break yet. Similar to last year's June hols, I have to babysit my CCA twice a week in the morning, for three hours. At least. It's been raining alot lately... I hope today will be an exception because fine, gorgeous weather is important for my CCA to function well.

Like many other things in life, it's all in God's hands for now.

unchanged

2010-06-16T01:59:00.000+08:00

You know the saying "change is the only constant"? Contrary to popular belief, there are certainly a number of things that never change.

mocha chips frappe

2010-06-06T23:01:00.001+08:00

This is the first cup of cold coffee that I've had in a long time. (I've always felt that coffee is best appreciated when hot or warm only)

frust

2010-06-06T09:59:00.000+08:00

I've changed my mind about the "low key reception" downstairs. Can't one actually sleep in on sundays in june anymore?? Why do malay weddings need to be so goddamn NOISY!!??? CUT THE SING-ALONG, for goodness sakes!!!

june is bustin' out all over

2010-06-06T03:59:00.000+08:00

You know it's june when youths are out in full force almost everywhere you go. Happy, stress-free faces in jovial groups, decked in the latest street trends, making a nuisance of themselves in malls, wasting their parents' hard earned salary on movies and junkfood.

And malay weddings! Fortunately, the current reception at the multi-purpose hall near my block is rather low key (at the moment, at least). Not like the racket last weekend which had relatives singing karaoke from 10 in the morning til 8 in the evening, replete with a cavalcade made up of a couple of dozen of bikers revving up their engines and honking away in the afternoon, a troop of "kuda kepang" and kompang accompaniment for the chubby groom. I'd be surprised if nobody lodged a complaint with the police.

While on the subject of chubby, my worst enemy for now is my flabs which have been growing steadily with the passing months. Sure, I'm no longer the pale, skinny figure from eons ago but its kinda depressing to realise that you have to buy a new pair of pants yet again because you've just grown an inch wider at the waist.

And yes, I've been rather depressed lately due to other factors besides my undesirable weight gain. A couple of close colleagues at work have decided to call it quits and a couple of others will be transferred out -- unpleasant work experiences being root causes? Perhaps. And dismal passing rate of my Normal academic classes, growing expectations of superiors, lack of support for my CCA -- all add to my anxiety.This led to some level of insomnia and my feeling under the weather for the last couple of days.

Though I am not entirely bereft of work commitments for the next couple of weeks, I am still very glad that it's June.

food, glorious food! part 2

2010-06-05T15:44:00.001+08:00

food, glorious food!

2010-06-05T15:43:00.000+08:00

floating crap

2010-05-27T11:59:00.000+08:00

Personally, I feel that people who do not flush properly after defecating are gross, inconsiderate and devoid of good manners.

For the umpteenth time at work this year, I was confronted by shit floating in the toilet bowl. It is probably not the fault of the culprit that his smelly remains are less dense than water BUT the least he could have done is ensure that most of it is flushed down properly!

t.i.r.e.d

2010-05-26T00:20:00.002+08:00

Whenever I'm tired, I tend to picture the word "tired" in my mind, in big, black, bold letters (all CAPS! Times New Roman!) and sometimes, I even spell it out in my head over and over again like a mantra.

I don't know why I do it. I think it works against me somehow...

shrek forever after ... finally!

2010-05-23T11:59:00.001+08:00

I've never been a fan of the Shrek movie franchise. I can't pinpoint the reasons. Maybe it's because I never liked Mike Myers, or Eddie Murphy's overwrought voice-over work as Donkey. Although I've watched all of the Shrek films (1 to 3), my memory of what they were about is rather dim. They never did leave a lasting impression on me. My favorite character, if there is to be one, would be Puss because I think it's genius for Antonio Banderas to be parodying himself from The Mask of Zorro.

Shrek Forever After seems like a tired re-tread at first with all the try-too-hard jokes which made me dislike the Shrek movies. However, the theme of mid-life crisis and wishing the grass is greener elsewhere is certainly something I can relate to. After the first 30 mins, the film got its groove and I started to even enjoy it. Interestingly, the scenes which are truly hilarious (to me, at least) are those that have Puss in them.

Cameron Diaz, as usual, brings the right amount of steel and sweetness into her characterization but the villains this time around (a very bratty Rumpelstiltskin and a mute Pied Piper) are weakly amusing.

I managed to catch Shrek Forever After in 3D and it's amazing how the audiences actually had their 3D glasses on all the way until the end credits rolled. My nose bridge was quite sore and I couldn't wait to get my glasses off! Frankly speaking though, How to Train Your Dragon was a much, much, MUCH, better 3D movie.

verbal vomit

2010-05-22T10:59:00.005+08:00

Your exam paper is not worthy of even being my toilet paper! It's not worthy to wipe shit!

The excerpt above is just a tiny part of the five minute verbal vomit that I had in one of my classes yesterday morning. I apologize. I'm the worst "moulder of the future" there ever is because:

1) I always make resolutions to remain calm and objective but always get carried away by my emotions.

2) I can never stop my verbal vomit although I'm perfectly aware that it's doing more harm than good. And honestly, I just go on and on spouting nonsense until I finally realized what I was doing and calmed myself down...

But seriously, those kids really pissed me off. I was trying to make everyone understand that the reactivity series of metals can be easily recalled using a mnemonic which I've taught before, and then there they were, happily doing their own thing... i.e. chatting, sharing jokes, dozing... even after several reprimands. And mind you, three quarters of the class failed my subject! Apparently, the saying "learning from your mistakes" is alien to their childish minds. Can I help it then that I just went totally bonkers??

The funny thing was, although I was still piping mad after the verbal vomit, one of the malay boys who failed came up to me after class and told me frankly that he had "given up on chemistry." He proceeded to explain that he got drunk on sunday night and had a hangover on monday morning, the day of chemistry exam. What could one say after such a bold admission??!! I did manage though, to convince him that he had it in him to score a decent pass in chemistry. By the way, I was not making it up just to make him happy -- I really believed it too!

***********************
On a more serious note, I spent the last hour before sleep last night, thinking if teaching is indeed the right path for me. I had wanted it to be. But I think, after yesterday's incident, that it is not fated.

I guess it is my fault that I'm never "assertive" enough. Perhaps, I'm not cut out for this job. Or perhaps I'm simply not trying hard enough. Many times, I've asked God in prayers, to make me strong enough, but time and again, I'm faced with challenges that test my ideals and aspirations.

I've been morose the whole day of yesterday after it happened and am trying valiantly to just forget that the incident ever happened. But even when I woke up this morning, it was still at the fringes of my mind. I am disappointed that my kids did not make the effort to pass their chemistry -- I had hoped that they would "wake up" abit since the 'N' levels are just a few months away. I was disappointed, and disappointment leaves a very bitter aftertaste...

a piece of sky

2010-05-19T14:59:00.000+08:00

I haven't been sleeping well lately. Sometimes I feel like my head is going to burst open. I just wish I could lie down, stare at the sky, and --- stop thinking!

howler

2010-05-19T00:12:00.001+08:00

Despite being only two-thirds through one class and another one more to mark, I'm taking a breather now because I realised I haven't had dinner. So since this is an official meal break, why not blog too? ;)

Anyhow, thought of uploading this:

It's too funny NOT to blog about it! Well, I must concede that even something as drab and monotonous as marking has its highlights...

colorful

2010-05-18T15:59:00.003+08:00

I wanted to post this entry last friday but something else came to mind. Anyway, the welfare committee at work invited a pen vendor (namely, Pilot) to come over to sell their wares (at exclusive prices, of course) and a handful of female colleagues went ga-ga over their new range of multi-colored gel inserts that came with their multi-ink pen series called Coleto.

Step 1: Choose a pen barrel, which comes in some very nifty transparent colors, and four different pen inserts/refills that are not only funky to look at, but have some funky names too, like cherry red, baby pink, crystal blue, apricot orange... and there's even a mechanical pencil insert!

Step 2: Put them all together and hey, presto! -- four pens in one! A color to suit every mood and occasion~! ;)

Actually, I already have something similar from Muji but I just got carried away by the hype and bought one for myself too. Really, shopping is a great and effective way to relieve stress!

monday blues

2010-05-17T13:59:00.001+08:00

It's pretty easy for me to get diarrhoea. Apparently the men in my family have very sensitive digestive systems. I love to drink milk and eat (reasonably) spicy food (I can't live without sambal cili or chilli sauce), but these are the very sort of foodstuff that would surely give me tummy aches the morning after & multiple visits to the loo.

I had such an experience this morning & thought a self-awarded "off" day is ok since all I'll be missing at work is a quarter and an hour's worth of invigilation. I decided to be abit frugal and went to the nearby polyclinic instead of my usual private GP.

Time obtained queue number for registration: 830am

Time registered and obtained queue number for doctor's consultation: 9am

Time of doctor's consultation: 1020am

Number of patients seen by doctor before myself: grand total of FIVE

mood of doctor: apathetic, uncaring and insensitive

mood of yours truly: meekly subdued & sullenly silent on the outside, seething like Mount Krakatoa before cataclysmic explosion on the inside

Time obtained queue number at pharmacy: 1030am

Time I FINALLY left polyclinic: 1050am

Total duration of time wasted: 2hours 20mins

Cost of consultation, medication & most importantly, mc: $0

Lesson learnt: Patience is a virtue especially when one is trying to be economical.

sunday night tv

2010-05-16T23:59:00.000+08:00

You must remember this
A kiss is still a kiss
A sigh is just a sigh
The fundamental things apply
As time goes by

Casablanca, starring Humphrey Bogart and the luminous Ingrid Bergman, has the fifth most quoted movie line of all time, which is "Here's looking at you, kid." I studied the film for my cross-fac module back during my uni days and watching it again just now, (while marking my papers of course) made me realise that the film is full of quotable quotes. Much like how P Ramlee films are for Malay movie buffs.

Before that, caught the repeat telecast of Renovaid, which I think provided a very insightful look into the lives of the less fortunate of Singapore. Kudos to the show's producers for coming up with the show, which, though not an original concept, is something very different for English-speaking audiences. Really, the show is quite heart-wrenching to watch.

Anyway, I'd better get back to my markings. I still have one more class to go before tomorrow's batch comes in. Sigh...

cheeky

2010-05-15T18:59:00.001+08:00

"cher, where are you going?"

"I'm heading to the restroom."

"You need me to accompany you?"

"NO!!"

Sometimes these kids really test the limits of my patience with their extreme laziness & obstinacy. But I gotta admit that they can be damn hilarious too. It certainly made me smile. At least for awhile... :)

we are all voyeurs at heart

2010-05-15T08:59:00.002+08:00

The world wide web being at our fingertips means that information can literally travel at the speed of ..err... how fast you can tap the ENTER button on your keyboard.

Pretend to sleep in the MRT (so that there is no obligation to give up your seat) when an elderly person is standing right in front you -- someone, somewhere may be discreetly (or not so discreetly) snapping a photo of you and your unassuming countenance may appear on STOMP by evening time. And if the aforementioned "paparazzi" has a mobile data plan, then he could even upload said photo in mere seconds.

Now, whenever I am caught doing something foolish in public by friends or colleagues, someone will quickly remark, "Later you appear on STOMP then you know!"

However, I am not one of those individuals who take time out daily to check out what STOMP has to offer (fancy an expose on people who lean their backs on the vertical railings on the train?) but recently, there was a piece on Yahoo news about a male teen from a certain school that assaulted a female friend in a lift. Someone filmed the incident and posted it on youtube, which was subsequently posted on Facebook by someone else, found its way on STOMP, and of course, it quickly caught the eye of local journalists. I mean, teenage assault in a public lift, in identifiable school uniforms no less. This was certainly fodder for the press and definitely WILL cause a public outcry.

A couple of disturbing facts about the video:

1) Boy was frequently slapping girl and slamming her head against wall of lift. Her reaction? Quite mild protestations. She was mostly concerned with smoothing out her hair.

2) Person videotaping the incident did not do anything at all. Was this person the director of this very dramatic incident, leading most to believe that it was all staged? Or is it just another manifestation of society's sad habit of preferring to be voyeurs rather than do-ers?

inertia

2010-05-14T17:59:00.000+08:00

This is four classes worth of markings.

After this weekend, it'll be just two more days to Marking Day & consequently, to the end of the exams. Five classes worth of my marking load came in yesterday & 3 more on Monday. Can I finish all that by next Wednesday? Yes, I CAN because I MUST!

One would think that marking is the bane of my existence but on the contrary, it's not. What really, really sucks about teaching is when you have to handle stubborn, disrespectful teens AND stubborn, hard-to-please superiors day in and day out. That would surely drive me bonkers.

But I digress. The point is, I dislike marking & I hate the feeling of not knowing if I can complete my work by the given deadline.

As the saying goes, if I can't meet the deadline, then I'm as good as dead. lol

mee siam

2010-05-13T20:59:00.000+08:00

What I really love sometimes is a plate of nice, traditional, mee siam. Sadly, my mother, though she is one of the most amazing cooks in the world, doesn't really make hers spicy enough for my taste buds, mainly because not many in my family have high tolerance for spicy food.

I love mine abundant with greens and just a little sprinkling of fresh, crunchy, bean sprouts. With boiled egg and a dash of sambal, some yummy mee siam is all I need to cheer me up on a dismal morning.

it rained today

2010-05-11T18:02:00.001+08:00

Attention please; the platform floor is wet. Please walk carefully.

blogging again

2010-05-10T21:59:00.001+08:00

I can't believe that it has been almost FIVE whole months since my last entry. The most cliched of phrases, "how time flies", couldn't more true.

Looking back on these five months, alot of things have happened. There had been laughter. There had been tears. There had been moments when I felt as though life is not worth living anymore. There had been moments when I felt so glad to just be alive.

I've heard it said somewhere that change is the only constant. But then, there had been moments when I was more than a tad frustrated that things have NOT changed with the passing of the years.

I have been very tempted to start a new blog... either with tumblr (which is quite hot at the moment) or wordpress. But after much thought, I decided that I should just stick to my blogspot.

Sometimes, I think it pays to make up your mind and stick steadfastly to something. It shows tenacity or strength of mind. But then again, some people may call it simply foolish stubbornness.

the night before new year's eve

2009-12-31T15:59:00.001+08:00

Last night, I dreamt about my father.

It wasn't a nightmare, and it wasn't a pleasant, happy dream but it was the sort of dream where you wake up asking yourself if it was a dream or a memory because it seemed so vivid and real.

I haven't had a dream with my father in it for months now. In fact, I'm sorry to say that my father hasn't been much in mind lately. The reason why I'm writing about this now is because I've just finished watching Sleepless In Seattle (I love Meg Ryan!) and there's this little boy character who woke up from his sleep suddenly, in tears, and exclaimed to his dad (played by Tom Hanks), that he's afraid of forgetting about his late mother (or something to the same effect).

I, too, have the same fear.

I am afraid of forgetting what my father looked like. What his laugh sounded like. What he smelled like. What he liked to do. What he liked to watch on TV. I am always afraid that I had never loved him enough. And I regret the fact that I never told him how much he meant to me. Whenever I think about him now, there is no searing pain like the one I felt before just some years back; now it's just a dull ache in my chest that will go away quite quickly.

Honestly, I've had a rough last couple of weeks and I await January with anxiety and apprehension. Perhaps, my father's appearance in my dream was a sign of something; telling me not to lose my ground, not to lose my focus in life and cling on steadfastly to whatever values I have. Only God knows.

It's a brand new year starting from tomorrow. A brand new start.

waiting

2009-12-05T15:59:00.000+08:00

The past couple of months have been crazy. Work has been crazy.

I'm taking a breather now before my reservist on Monday. Two whole weeks of torture.

I'm still waiting for something amazing to happen.

in memoriam

2009-11-12T00:59:00.003+08:00

The night is as black as any other,
the same crickets in symphony out there on the grass patches
and sometimes toads will croak, in interjections.
Probably the same toads, as yesterday's
or the night before last.
Or perhaps a next generation of toads
and crickets.

I see the night through the small slit of open window,
the rest curtained, because I want to shut it out --
shut the night out. It is better to be hemmed in like this
than to let self be exposed.
I don't like that.
It is easier to deal with the night this way because the night
holds some memories --
memories that shouldn't have been memories.

And I wish I cannot hear the sound of your voice;
it is still ringing, you know, in my head, your accusatory tones.
And then the sound of the lift doors opening
and closing. The cold dust, the cold tiles, of the ground.
Oh yes, I still remember.

So I don't like to be reminded of the night.
Let me stay here
celebrating. In memoriam of
the part of self that died
that night.

egg and chicken

2009-11-12T00:09:00.000+08:00

do you love him because you need him? Or do you need him because you love him?

Perhaps it's like asking someone: which comes first -- the chicken or the egg? It is indeed a question worth pondering over.

what if

2009-10-19T20:59:00.003+08:00

A long time ago, I used to write poems. Or I thought of them as poems anyway. Now, looking back, perhaps they were just a collection of words meant to convey feelings which I were not able to verbalize. I suppose some people may think of me as an articulate person but articulating my emotions have never been my forte. I prefer to pen them down or in this case, type them down.

It seems to me like a different person wrote those "poems." Frankly speaking, I don't think that person, exists in me anymore. Thus, I keep on having to borrow phrases from songs that are already on my ipod/itunes, in order to depict my present state of mind. I apologize for not being very original.

Here I stand alone
With this weight upon my heart
And it will not go away
In my head I keep on looking back
Right back to the start
Wondering what it was that made you change

Well I tried
But I had to draw the line
And still this question keeps on spinning in my mind

I think a more accurate depiction would be if the line was "wondering why you never change" instead. Otherwise, the part about spinning minds is completely accurate.

maybe i just wanna have it all

2009-10-14T00:59:00.000+08:00

Was marking papers while listening to my itunes and an old song started playing.

there's a danger in loving somebody too much
And its sad when you know it's your heart you can't trust
There's a reason why people don't stay where they are
Baby sometimes love just ain't enough

I've always wondered what the lyrics really meant.

the calm before the storm

2009-10-12T23:59:00.002+08:00

Three classes worth of exam papers are already in but I've yet to mark them. I only just submitted my last paper, which is due friday, this morning. I'm hoping to spend some time tonight to breathe abit but there's alot still to be done. Half of my to-do list will remain undone because I've given up marking holiday assignments. It's much too late to return them to students anyway.

And that's the life of an overworked teacher. So much for "reducing" our workload; most are still teaching five to six classes a week and since my school adopted the modular system for lower secondary school science, I practically see the whole sec 1 cohort plus my 4 other classes from other levels. That's ten classes worth of exam papers to mark this year. But of course, last year's twelve classes was a record. LOL.

Anyhow, I'm much calmer tonight. Was at my neighbours' house earlier, for hari raya visiting, with my mom. For a little while, as we chatted about general stuff (mostly pleasantries which are very mundane and insignificant), it seems like life is as easy as pie, as if no problem was insurmountable.

I am not nearly as angry as I was last week but it's not like everything's back to normal. I'm tired that things that shouldn't have happened just keep on happening over and over again and always regarding the same issues. Moreover, it just gets worse and worse. It will never end.

I guess I'm just a typical Sagittarian that way. I need my freedom but that doesn't mean I will wantonly disregard my responsibilities or obligations. But I'm never good with confrontations. So I do what I do best. I back out.

hate

2009-10-05T00:23:00.005+08:00

There are 4 people living in this flat, myself included. My brother occupies the room nearest to the living room. He is four years younger than me but I've long suspected that he's stuck at the mental age of seventeen.

His illness is probably to blame for this because he was diagnosed with lupus right after his 'O' level examinations. Back then, when most of his contemporaries were pulsing with life, bursting with raging hormones and excited at the prospect of tertiary education, my brother was fighting for his life in ICU. Being a lupus patient makes him susceptible to common illnesses which ordinary youths do not have to worry about. He is now working as a clerk somewhere (I'm not sure the exact location) and bringing back around 1k a month. About a quarter or a third of that goes into his monthly medical bills.

My sister's eldest daughter, now sixteen, shares the master bedroom with my mom. She hardly ever goes back to her mother's flat but nobody minds that because everyone thinks she is good company for my mom.

It's been nine years since my father passed away. The years have not been easy for mother; with each passing year, she has more grey hair, more wrinkles, more pains in her joints. And being the only person in this household with a "proper" job, it is my responsibility to look after her, my brother and my niece by default. Thus, this job, which I complain about constantly or whenever I have the opportunity to, is the ricebowl that feeds us all.

ANYone who comes in the way of my ricebowl -- who threatens it, who does not respect it, who puts it on the line and disregards it -- will be the object of my loathing. There are no second chances, no opportunities for remorse or regret.

From now on, I will spend all my waking hours, all my energies, despising you. Your neediness. Your dependence. Your very existence disgusts me now. You are an abomination. A blight upon my life and my happiness.

And now, you are nothing.

i couldn't stop crying

2009-10-04T10:59:00.004+08:00

Something inside of me must have snapped. I couldn't stop crying.

After I closed the door of my room behind me, I stumbled to the floor, sobbing uncontrollably. For some minutes before, I was able to keep everything in; took a deep breath, turned the key in the keyhole, turned the knob, pushed open the front door, bolted it, then crept to my room like a seasoned burglar -- lest my mother, who at times could be a light sleeper, hears me.

I fell asleep in that pathetic state. An hour passed. The sound of running water must have woken me. I undressed and took a shower. My mother's face peeked from behind her bedroom door.

"Baru balik?" There was no hint of frustration in her voice. Perhaps she sounded even a little bemused.

"Dah tadi," I replied. It was the only words I could muster.

It felt good -- the shower. To scrub off the sweat and grime from my skin. To take off my contacts. To let the water wash off the scent of you from my nose -- your cigarette-tainted breath. But the water couldn't let me forget what you did.

As I curled myself up in bed, I suddenly felt it again. The tears. Another round, but this time, I cried into my pillow.

What I feared the most have happened and YOU made sure it happened. It was inevitable. Your unreasonable jealousy, fueled and enhanced by alcohol, led us to this state, just like those other times before.

Oh but you've gone overboard this time. You've certainly outdone yourself this time. It doesn't matter to you does it? This isn't YOUR neighbourhood. Why should you care? All you care about is to have your wounded pride appeased. Your green eye had clouded your judgment, and now you seek the "truth" and my annoyance at your unfair accusations only achieves to worsen it.

Even now, hours later, with the mild afternoon sun outside my window, I don't think I can forgive you. I am afraid . And I am tired. So tired. I can feel my eyes smarting with tears again.

I cannot forgive. I will not.

hurt

2009-05-18T10:59:00.002+08:00

Unfortunately, sometimes I am not as nonchalant as I appear to be. Take for instance an incident that happened in school late last week.

I don't care if some kids (i.e students) resent me to the extent that they would rant about me, call me offensive and derogatory names on their blogs and stuff, but it definitely hurts when they intentionally hack into another student's blog and do it anonymously. In fact, even if the latter was to happen, I wouldn't have minded it so much. But once other teachers get implicated too, and especially the P, VP, or anyone else of paramount importance to the school gets implicated, it becomes an issue which cannot be taken lightly.

I am sad that this matter has to be surfaced to the sch's dis com. It is easy to be indifferent when I am reading the disparaging comments about myself alone but it is even more difficult to remain objective and share those comments (now considered evidence that cannot be tampered with) with people you don't really feel comfortable talking to at all.

As an adult, I hardly feel the need to be liked and accepted by my students but it fills me with amazement and, more acutely, disappointment, to know that somewhere out there, there are malicious and vindictive individuals who want to hurt not only me, but those (students) under my care too.

**********************************

This is a very stressful period for all those in my vocation. It is the mid-year examinations! I have 10 ten stacks (i.e. classes) of markings to finish by thursday afternoon and I have only barely finished three stacks. Already, I can feel the rising panic within, as there are still loads of other admin stuff to do too. It does take alot of self-motivation to get myself going (because just to complete one class may take a good three to four hours, minimum, of diligent, non-stop marking), thus I had hoped that those whom I care about (and care about me) will understand the predicament I am facing and the mood-swings I may contract in the meantime.

However, I discovered something recently that caused my trust to waver. I want to be nonchalant, cold, and indifferent because if I were all of those things, then I would be incapable of being emotionally hurt. But at this point in time, I am not all of those things.

not anymore

2009-04-23T00:59:00.000+08:00

The wind is howling outside. Like lost ghosts. Rain pouring down in sheets. Perfect weather to be asleep in bed, curled up beneath your blanket.

But I'm not asleep.

I'm drinking coffee.. much diluted. Thinking that I am actually afraid of dying.

When I was abit younger, I used to wish, sometimes, that if I were to not to wake up from sleep, it would be a good thing. I wanted to sleep everything away. Now that I've become slightly older, slightly more jaded, I realise that I don't want to die like that.

Because if I did, I would miss my family very much.

where is that perfect day?

2009-04-13T00:04:00.005+08:00

These past couple of weeks are full of ups and downs. The latter mostly, in fact. Work has been crazy and I've been plagued with an incessant cough and an annoying runny nose. Most of the time, I'm either drowsy from the anti-histamines I've been taking (and cough syrup) or I've got a mild throbbing headache at the back of my head (from thinking about work all the time!).

Today, I was supposed to be catching up on my homework but the daylight hours was spent nursing a bad-ass, congested nose and a headache. For most of the evening, I were busy ironing shirts for the whole week. I seriously, do not like ironing. Took me an hour and more just to finish six shirts! I'm really pathetic.

This year evidently, the stress is at an all-time high. I think I'm slowly, but surely, sinking into depression...

killer rojak

2009-04-10T17:59:00.003+08:00

No other piece of local news so far this year, have caught my eye more than the plight of those affected by food poisoning after consuming rojak from one of geylang's most popular stalls. My condolences to the families of the two women who passed away due to (what is believed to be) complications of food poisoning.

If you think about it, it's also rather scary that a dish as popular as the quintessential Indian rojak can be deadly. And which Malay visitor of geylang would not buy his or her share of geylang goodies? Why, just the other day, my mom bought some satay (I've a weakness for mutton satay) during her trip there and I gorged myself so much I actually developed a sore throat and cough the day after. And I've been, on and off, coughing, eversince.

Whether the rojak sauce had been accidentally contaminated with rat poison (my mom's theory) or whether it was the nasty sabotage of a jealous competitor (my brother's theory) -- who knows? Two people have died and many others were in terrible pain as a result. I hope the authorities can uncover the cause of this tragedy soon so that history will not repeat itself. Because the next time I go to geylang and buy something edible from a stall at the temporary market, I want to feel safe.

been away too long

2009-04-05T02:59:00.004+08:00

Seriously, I've been putting off updating my bloggy for so long - without me realising it, it's already April. Four months into the new year, which by the way, isn't so new by now, and what have I got to show for it??? Nothing much, basically. It's just the same old story.

************************************************************

We are like little ants floating on separate leaves upon this stream of consciousness. Time pulls us along in different directions, and I fear we will be swept away by our disparate lives very soon.

Is this what growing up entails? Becoming so distinct that we have lost the fundamental emotion of empathy for each other? Our happiness is no longer defined by the journeying together (like I used to believe it was) because the fact is, there is too little of "together" to make it worth it. Happiness has become snatches of time; fleeting moments of rushed evenings of conversations. It is never enough to satisfy our hunger; our desire to escape the realities of our weekday lives. Is our weekday lives the reality? Or those rushed evenings? But the latter is just too brief to be registered significantly by our calculating minds.

I don't know the remedy. How do we make our moments count in our journey together when "together" exists in banal moments? Is it banal because our precious conversations have become meaningless? Precious because of their rarity and meaningless because they have become mere platitudes. Empty conversations. We have become experts of polite and automaton responses that pretend to be cordial and sincere exchanges. Quantity of time does not affect its quality. It's not like that anymore. Everything counts in the end, doesn't it?

God help us.

happy new year

2009-01-07T11:59:00.000+08:00

That last few weeks of 2008 has been a blast.. or sort of. Filled with many idle days of decadence; days with no objective, no productivity and not much cares.

Unfortunately, all good things have always got to come to an end and here's 2009, bringing with it a new set of challenges and forebodings. And let me assure you, I am very anxious about the next few months. One word of course, is the main reason of my anxiety -- work. Seriously, I've only been back at work for less than a fortnight but already, I'm now trying to accept (with much effort) certain decisions made by management concerning my workload and extra-curricular activity, much like a very sick person trying to swallow a very very bitter pill. How could I object? Especially if the very people responsible for those undesirable decisions are the same ones who have a say about your ricebowl?

Sometimes, the people with the most noble of intentions are the ones who are most cruel to you.

on hiatus

2008-12-11T02:59:00.000+08:00

I'll be away for the next few days. Heading to KL (where else?) to unwind and recharge and hopefully reset my circadian clock because my sleeping hours have gone really crazy these days, eversince I've stopped reporting to school for official work. I know, I know I've been complaining non-stop about all my sleepless nights planning lessons, doing up powerpoint slides, setting test/exam papers, marking scripts, etc, and I keep telling people that teaching is NOT fun... but right now, when days are spent waking up late and indulging in my couch-potato tendencies, I feel that it's all been worth it.

Well anyway, I shouldn't really be too elated as I gotta go back to work end of next week (sob!sob!).

By the way, I totally forgot to wish everyone a merry Aidiladha. Much too late now isn't it? HAha.

That's my youngest niece. Isn't she just perfectly adorable! What can I say? I LOVE BABIES! :)

flaws and all

2008-12-10T02:59:00.003+08:00

Very very recently I've discovered a song by Beyonce, which I mati-mati thought is in her latest album I am... Sasha Fierce but actually, it can be found in her previous album B day, the deluxe edition no less. (Btw, don't you just LOATHE deluxe editions of whatever? especially if you had bought the first, non-deluxe version already???)

This is probably the first (and the last?) time that I will ever append a youtube video to my blog but I'm sooooooo much in lurve with this song right now that I've just gotta share it with everyone no matter how sappy it might make me seem... Well anyway, in the vid, Beyonce is as gorgeous as always despite her power-exec look. Note also how she managed to be rather teary-eyed by song's end. Though not exactly the Oscar-winner type, Beyonce can be a really good actress when she applies herself. Can't wait for Cadillac Records to open in Singapore (she's headlining as Etta James!!).

Yes, I concede the lyrics are quite cliched but seriously, I am feeling this song very much! LOL

every other day, there is a tragedy

2008-12-07T13:59:00.002+08:00

As a Singaporean, I felt the death of Lo Hwei Yen (held hostage during the recent Mumbai attacks) very keenly. I couldn't imagine the terror she must have felt right there in that hotel room, bound and waiting for rescue to come, at the mercy of her captors. What horrors must have gone through her mind during those last few moments before her precious life was taken away from her? She was a young, bright lawyer, just a year in her marriage, with a future before her... and by some cruel twist of fate, became a victim of the blind hatred and foolishness of a group of selfish humans who thoughtlessly murder innocents for the advancement of a questionable cause.

Just yesterday, a landslide in the suburbs of Kuala Lumpur claimed four lives, demolished more than a dozen homes while displacing hundreds (or thousands?) of other residents living in hillside estates or houses amid the government's fears that this calamity is possibly just a first amongst several others. It's the monsoon season afterall and landslides (devastating or not) are very probable.

It was reported recently that more than a thousand people, in Singapore, have died this year, from HIV infection and AIDS.

What is the purpose of this entry? I honestly don't know.

muallaf

2008-12-02T13:59:00.001+08:00

In the not too distant past, I've blogged about the films I've seen but I've realised, quite some time back, that it was foolish of me to be critically assessing these films when in actual fact, I have very little knowledge about film-making, film-history or films at all. Sure, I've taken a module on American Film Studies and a couple other theatre-related modules back in my NUS days, and I must admit that I'm rather picky about the kind of films I watch, but that doesn't make me a film critic does it?

Well anyway, most of the time, though I tried to be as objective as possible in my "reviews", I know that I've failed miserably. The way I judge a film mostly depends on how the show has affected me and I can be quite a biased viewer. Take for instance the latest Yasmin Ahmad film, Muallaf, which opened at Cathay's the Picturehouse last thursday. Even before stepping into the cinema, I've already decided that it was going to be a great film and that I am going to like it very much. How objective is that!!! LOL

When converted to the English language, the term "Muallaf" means a convert, and to Malays (and Muslims), the word is used generally as a noun to refer to non-muslims who have embraced Islam as a religion. After reading several articles, I've discovered that the Chinese translation of the film's title means "Change of Heart", and not really a change of faith (i.e. religion) as the Malay title hints at. I was puzzled by the film's title at first because, although the film takes religious issues (and ideas in theology) and places them boldly and unabashedly center-stage (which is unlike previous Yasmin Ahmad films), there is nothing in the film that hints at a character converting to Islam.

Anyway, despite my preconceived notions that this would be Yasmin Ahmad's "heaviest" film to date (remember the controversy surrounding Sharifah Amani's shaved head??), I can't help thinking that Yasmin's previous film, Gubra, was emotionally more impactful. Nevertheless, Muallaf displays the typical Yasmin Ahmad modus operandi: the minimal use of music or song to enhance scenes, long protracted moments of silence when nothing much really happens on-screen, vistas of scenery to generate a certain mood or emotion, and that occasional snapshot of her film's characters doing something that doesn't seem to have any purpose in the context of the film at all. Most of the time, plotlines are implied rather than made explicit and we're always left to our own devices as to how to interpret certain actions, lines or images.

Great films, I realise, make use of silences and images very effectively. If used appropriately, these silent moments could generate very powerful emotions in the sensitive viewer. Take for instance Brokeback Mountain, Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon, Mukhsin, etc etc. Many of these have been described as "slow and draggy" but if we let them, great films will make us think introspectively, about human nature, humanity and above all else, about ourselves. Muallaf is indeed a great film.

It is not about religion, as most discerning film-reviewers have pointed out, but about love, about forgiving and forgiveness, and most importantly, it is about family.

4.5 out of 5 stars!!! ;D

counting blessings

2008-11-27T11:59:00.004+08:00

Z: You're so old already. You should go out and see the world. What's the point of going KL only all the time? Aren't you bored??

Me: You've got a point...

It's true that I'm not getting any younger and sadly, I don't travel, nor do anything particularly exciting with my life. Perhaps that is why I sometimes feel so frustrated by my own "under-the-tortoise-shell" (that's a literal translation from the malay proverb!! haha) lifestyle, which is partly due to certain limitations, that I feel compelled to do something really foolish and stupid to vent my pent-up emotions. Like if I was on the road driving, I would impulsively break the speed limit and crash into a tree or something of the sort... just so the impact would jolt me back to my senses.

But of course, the consequences of such foolish actions will not only "wake" you up to the sensible world and reality, it would also cause grievous harm to yourself and to those who love you and whom you love. I've realised that sometimes, to wish for more, to crave the greener grass on the other side, is never really in your best interests.

I feel blessed for whatever and whoever I have in my life right now, and it's about time I start showing my gratitude for all these things and people I'm most fortunate to have in my life. Moreover, despite my meager December bonus (which has already become public knowledge), I am thankful that I have a job to go back to at all. =D

another cab, another conversation

2008-11-20T01:59:00.002+08:00

Cab driver: Around three years ago, there were hardly any jams along the expressways at this hour...

Me: Eh? How come??

C.d.: Because COE has dropped so much, more people buy cars. That's why more jams!

Me: OH.. I see...

C.d.: Price of COE now $2... last time $10, 000!

Me: REALLY???!!

Either I'm very gullible or I'm just not updated about current affairs. I'd rather think that I'm the latter. Anyway, taxi fares are not what they used to be. From my place (in Jurong) to Millenia Walk, it cost me twenty bucks! There was a time it didn't even hit $12 or $14... sigh.

just another day

2008-11-18T01:59:00.001+08:00

The rain was pretty heavy in the late morning and it went on all the way 'til late afternoon, thus giving the perfect excuse to stay home and laze around unproductively. Of course, an "off" day is not really an "off" day unless one has slept in (i.e. wake up quite late) but fortunately, I managed to pull myself together and roll off my bed by approximately 10am. That's not too disgusting a time to wake up from sleep on an "off" day, right??

I brought my sulking eight-year old niece to the library after the rain had turned into a slight drizzle. By then, it was already 4pm. Was actually determined to avoid the peak hour crowd and traffic. Am trying very hard to instill a reading habit into my niece so that she will be able to improve her (English) language skills but I'm not sure of the type of books that a primary-two-going-to-primary-three kid should be reading. As it is, she is still going for books which have more illustrations than words. Heck, the books she picked out probably had fewer than fifty words on each page. Is that normal for an eight-year old?? Have resolved to try reading to/with her at least twice/thrice a week.

Apart from that charitable library visit, I guess, the day hadn't been truly productive/constructive for me. However, I DID discover two new things today:
1) The National Library Board have increased the book lending quota to twice (or is it more than that?) the usual amount. For a limited time period of course.
2) The driver of the cab I was on, informed me that the first McDonald's ever to open in Singapore was the Lido branch.

Sometimes, conversations with cab drivers can be very interesting and enlightening -- Seriously, everytime I board a cab now, I expect cab drivers to make some kind of conversation with me and when they don't, I'd feel a tad disappointed. However, there have been a few cab drivers who just crap around too much and you feel like telling them to just shut up. But of course, these kind will never actually shut up until the moment you've paid your fare and stepped out of their cabs.

Anyway, it's back to the office tomorrow (or later actually) and the day after for some workshops/seminars and hopefully, the next couple of days won't be as dreadful as I think they'll be.

anniversary

2008-11-18T00:59:00.003+08:00

Sometime early last week, was the anniversary of my father's death. It's amazing to think that it has already been close to six or seven years that he's been gone. It's also amazing that most of my most vivid memories of him are restricted to those few difficult months after his stroke, up until his passing. The significance of every other memory of him, during happier moments, seem to be eclipsed by that tumultous period of darkness when my family grappled with the aftermath of his stroke, and then his eventual death.

Rasulullah SAW. bersabda, "Apabila seseorang telah meninggal, terputus untuknya pahala segala amal, kecuali dari tiga hal yang tetap kekal: sedekah jariyah, ilmu yang bermanfaat, dan anak saleh yang senantiasa mendoakannya."

One of my biggest regrets in life is not being able to know my father truly, as a person, beyond his obligations as dad and husband, and not being able to tell him how much I loved him and appreciated his efforts to give me a good education so that I can have a "bright" future. I may not be, or even could ever be, the "anak saleh" father had wished or hoped for, but I have, and always will, mention father in my prayers.

an evening with anuar zain

2008-11-13T12:59:00.003+08:00

"I was at the first floor, third row from the front. The view was GREAT! :D"

Anuar Zain is indisputably one of the most talented male artistes of his generation and it would seem inconceivable for me to miss his first ever solo concert (in Singapore?) at the Esplanade Concert Hall. So maybe sitting in the third row was a tad too obsessive perhaps but with ticket prices being what they were, I just thought I might as well get my money's worth. From my vantage point, it was possible to actually see the beads of perspiration that gradually trickled down Mr Zain's cheeks when he finished the first half of his concert!

Contrary to what you may think, I am NOT such an avid fan but I couldn't pass up on the opportunity of catching Mr Zain LIVE. All this while, I've seen him sing a couple of songs (or half-a-dozen at most) on TV in some variety show or other but can he carry the full weight of TWO hours (or slightly less) of concert showtime on his skinny shoulders? The answer is a resounding affirmative.

Despite having only three studio albums to his name, there is actually a rich plethora of ballads (and a precious few, yet still rather notable, uptempo numbers) for him to choose from to make up his itinerary of songs for the evening. Right from the moment his soulful vocals soared through the hall on Keabadian Cinta, he had the audience hooked. Although Mr Zain complained of a sore throat (or something of the sort) after an amazing rendition of I'm the Lucky One (or was it Mungkin?), his voice, fortunately, was in fine form that evening, all the way 'til his encore pieces Ketulusan Hati and Lelaki Ini.

However, I have two little grievances. One: Repartee with audience, was virtually negligible, except for maybe a couple of feeble attempts. I guess I was probably expecting something akin to the seasoned banter of Siti Nurhaliza or Sheila Majid, chatting up the audience, sharing "personal" experiences and stuff. Two: With the exception of a spontaneous (and awesome!) rendition of Greatest Love of All, all the other songs were from the Anuar Zain songbook. I was hoping that he would surprise his fans with a couple of songs, at least, which were not his own. Anuar Zain singing Dealova perhaps?? LOL

I was also quite disturbed by the sight of at least two whole rows of stall seats empty/unsold but from my point of view, it looked as if the upper floors were all nicely filled up. Apart from this, and my griping from earlier, Mr Zain's concert, I thought, was a triumph.

And I almost forgot to mention that the moment Mr Zain walked out after his last song, the same fans who were screaming for him previously, started calling out for Taufik Batisah. The latter even caused quite a jam in human traffic when he was exiting the hall. Honestly, women can be so fickle! =p

Avenue Q

2008-11-12T00:59:00.007+08:00

JS: Is it any good?

Me: Yes! VERY!

JS: But it's about muppets, right? So childish!

Me: But it's NC-16 for a reason. It's starring muppets; It's NOT about muppets.

I think people who are afraid to watch Avenue Q fall into two categories: either they are afraid they would not be able to relate to the jokes and find them unfunny, which would of course be a complete waste of their time and money (seeing that tickets can be rather expensive) or they think that any show starring puppets cannot be seriously entertaining or worthwhile watching. However, Avenue Q is no Sesame Street and indeed, its NC-16 rating is not a mistake made by Singapore's censors. Sexual innuendos abound and there's even a couple of vulgarities but the elements of Avenue Q that remind us, not by accident, of Sesame Street only heightens the amusement factor of the show rather than diminish it.

Most of the songs sport some very witty, zany and even profane lyrics but they're so darn catchy that there is no doubt you will leave the theater with at least one or two tunes stuck in your head. However, I strongly advise against youtubing the tunes or watching clips of the show off the net until you've actually seen the whole show in its entirety because doing so would only take away some of the surprises from the comedy numbers. As you know, hilarious one-liners do not hold the same power when you hear them more than once.

There are a few times when the script requires the audience to have some knowledge of American culture, but even if you're pretty ignorant, I'm sure you would still be able to enjoy the performance of the talented Filipino actors and actresses who make up the cast. Of course, one must be realistic and NOT expect the original cast from the 2004 Broadway production (and if you ever do expect such a thing, for any theatrical show in Singapore, you're extremely foolish!) but I must say, the cast they've cobbled together for the Singapore shows are more than adequate in terms of acting chops and singing prowess to carry off their roles effectively. In my honest opinion, the actress handling Kate Monster especially, was very engaging.

According to the show's official website, there's only less than a week left before the show closes. There's a reason why Avenue Q won the prestigious Tony Award (which is the theater industry's equivalent to the Oscars) for Best Musical in 2004 -- it is really pretty good! Go catch it if you haven't but only if you have some spare change (because of inflation and all that). =D

we don't talk much about you anymore

2008-11-11T23:59:00.002+08:00

We don't talk much about you anymore,
except on those rare occasions when conversations were
related to you in some way,
like about your eldest sister who has gone blind
or about scooters and helmets,
or hypertension.

And they don't talk much about you anymore either;
your siblings, on their merry visits during Eid
as they sit around the coffee table
making petty coffee table conversations
about every little inconsequential thing
their little minds could think of.

When they're around, I'd always make sure the TV was on
so that all chatter remains inconsequential,
but sometimes there are awkward silences in between
and then I'd wish you were here to help to fill in those gaps
with your unfailing way of making
conversations.

We don't talk much about you anymore, it's true,
Not in conversations over lunch, nor dinnertime, or at occasional get-togethers;
But there is a small part of you in my mind that is still
breathing, and laughing, and talking
and snoring. And perhaps mom, and sis, and bro and even your little nieces who
once knew you,
keep a small part of you too.

a month has passed

2008-11-09T11:59:00.000+08:00

It must admit that it was more than a conscious effort for me to "avoid" blogging but I wasn't aware that it had been a month (and a day!) since I last blogged.

I HAVE been very busy especially during those October weeks and perhaps I SHOULD have taken a little time off to blog but unfortunately, every other free time I had, I thought it was better doing something else. Like SLEEP for instance. LOL.

Anyway, I DO have a lot to write about but it would have to wait 'til my next entry...

2008-10-08T21:59:00.002+08:00

Me: I just find marking such a chore sometimes. Can mark until I'm cross-eyed! And eleven classes worth of exam papers to mark is no joke!

YQ: Then what's so fun about teaching? There must be something nice about it... that made you join teaching...

Me: It's fun when students say "I GEDDIT!", that they've understood whatever I've taught them. It makes me feel glad. And for that brief moment, I feel elated...

YQ: Oh? Really? Hmmm... I don't get it.

Me: To see enlightenment on students' faces...

YQ: I still don't get it...

Me: Er...

YQ: Just kidding. =D

I really do want to blog about how I spent my Hari Raya, and how crazy the past week has been. But I simply do NOT have the luxury of spending a good half-hour of my precious evening blogging, when I've got piles of work waiting for me. Bad enough that I'm such a slow, and easily distracted, worker. Nevertheless, will post more soon... I hope!

weekend's coming!

2008-09-26T03:59:00.002+08:00

These last couple of days have been a blur. It felt almost as if I was in a kaleidoscopic dreamland of shifting, blurry images.

I think it's because of a constant, dull throbbing headache which I've been experiencing recently... But after sleeping for almost SEVEN hours straight, I feel abit better now, though not so much rejuvenated. I guess the prospect of having one more paper to set and four classes worth of tests to mark (all due by next monday) is NOT going to rejuvenate ANYone. HAha.

But enough about work.

At home, preparations for the upcoming Eid celebrations are in a mess. Since I've been busy, I haven't had the time to help out with anything and poor Mommy has had tonnes of stuff to do by herself. She's been pestering me to get a clock for the living room and some other stuff... all I could say is, "OK, soon.." :p

Every year for the last couple of years, I've been baking cookies (I can't cook but I CAN bake, but within limits of cos! lol) but I don't think I've got the time to do that THIS year. I still can't believe there's just one more weekend left before raya. How time flies. However, I'm dreading the weekend somehow -- because there's just so many things to do!

the last lap

2008-09-22T22:59:00.006+08:00

PL: eh, since when have you been running?? I thought you very static one...
Me: very farni...

It's actually the last week before the final year exams. There are so many things to do in so little time. A whole gamut of feelings and emotions within, swirling inside me. (What's the difference between 'feeling' and 'emotion' anyway? Someone tried to clarify to me once, but I've forgotten..)

Sometimes, I feel a kind of burning resentment towards those fortunate enough to be in a career where they do not need to bring work home. EVER. Sometimes, I feel angry with myself for being too slow, too unproductive, too easily distracted, too weak-minded. Then sometimes too, I feel empowered and self-righteous, because what I do impacts alot of other people. And then of course, I am fearful of failure. Because if I've failed, it would mean I've let down not just myself, but my loved ones and family too. And I am disheartened -- and even infuriated! -- when those whom I consider closest to me do not understand my predicament.

On the one hand, there are moments when I feel the need to take a breather lest I burn myself out. On the other, I am afraid that every minute spent doing something else would mean a step towards futility and defeat. Even as I am writing these words, I am doubting the wisdom of my actions. Of the choices that I've made today. And again, the overwhelming dread of making less than perfect choices tomorrow.

I am not making any sense, aren't I? Sometimes, I think I am losing my sanity. Or maybe it's just a dull ache in my head; as if there is a cold, empty void somewhere between my eyes and the spot where my brain is supposed to be. Sometimes, I wish I could just curl up in bed and not have to wake up. Sleep is that one luxury I can never have enough of.

Do you realize, dear reader, that as you're sleeping comfortably in your home in the dead hours of night, I'd still be awake, still be at my laptop, frantically tip-tapping away at the keyboard and clicking my mouse, and all the time wishing I could join you in Slumberland?

ran out

2008-09-15T22:59:00.002+08:00

I managed to "escape" abit earlier from the confines of the staffroom today and thus headed straight to the nearby POSBank to change a bunch of $50 notes to the typical $2 bills for Aidilfitri distribution. To my great consternation (and disgust), the aforesaid bank had run out of $2 bills! Of course, it's all partly my fault because I had wanted to do this little chore sometime during the Sep hols but had put it off because a certain someone told me it was "too early" to do so. I know, I know that the past year's experience should have taught me better but I had been lucky so far, I guess... up until now that is.

Looks like I've got to try again sometime soon.

On another note, I think my eyebags must have increased significantly in size because lately, my eyes tend to feel heavier than usual. Anyone know any effective remedy to reduce eyebags and consequently energise tired eyes??? Price and where-to-buy info is much appreciated. LOL! Maklumlah, musim raya ni, mesti maintain sikit.. Don't want to look like a panda lah ;p

it's saturday

2008-09-13T10:59:00.004+08:00

I woke up today to the ringing sound of my handphone...

H: Cik Duan, nanti cik duan datang untok tuisyen tak??

Me: (in hoarse, groggy, just-woke-up-from-sleep voice) Are your prelims over? Do you WANT me to come today???

H: Yes. Can you come later at 1pm?

Me: Sure... see you...

I was looking forward to a saturday spent entirely at home but I guess I should go where I'm needed.

I think I have been a very lousy tutor because I always have to practically drag myself to tuition every weekend. Probably it's because my fees are already long overdue. Or I think it's H's attitude towards his Math which I really, really loathe. He is lazy, with no initiative and apparently immune to all my nagging and motivational prompts. I won't be surprised if he does pretty badly for his prelims because he is the type who needs someone to constantly push him in order for him to practice his math. I think the only time he really does revise his math properly is when I'm around.

Anyway, my whole body is aching like crazy because I was sleeping in an awkward position. Feels like someone have been pulling on my arms and legs for hours. And my back feels like an elephant has been sitting on it all night... But on a positive note, I DID get the proper sleep which I've been coveting all week. Now, if only I can get my butt moving and get some work done!!!

tgif!

2008-09-11T23:59:00.006+08:00

When the week first started, it seemed like it could go on forever. But before I knew it, it's already thursday night, the eve of a friday. I can't wait to get my seven hours of uninterrupted sleep again. The last time that happened was... let's see... last week during the hols.

Actually, a few noteworthy things occurred this week; on Monday afternoon, I had a dry racking cough and my voice was quite hoarse. Since my profession requires me to have nothing less than amazing powers of voice projection, I knew that I had to give my vocal cords a break lest they give way for good. So I paid a visit to the nearby clinic and discovered that I had a bad throat infection and needed to be on antibiotics. On wednesday, I was graciously "arrowed" to be involved in a demo-lesson for the school's open house in October. Later, more than a handful of considerate kids informed me that my "unglam" mug was in Lianhe Zaobao. I was quite happy because people who dislike me could now cut out my face and use it as a dartboard or a doormat. Not.

D: You hair looked messy and you had a funny expression on your face. But you still look hamsome!!

Me: Really? (with a wry smile). Thanks for the info. Did my name appear anywhere in the article or was I just a nameless face?

D: Nameless face. But now you're famous lah!!

Me: (weak laughter) Ha. Ha. Ha...

Thursday (or earlier today), I was shouting like nobody's business in class, intermittently within the space of an hour -- that's like a gazillion steps backwards on the path of recovery. I really couldn't help it; despite the awareness that I was fasting and thus, should be keeping my anger in check, I just lost abit of control. Now my voice is as hoarse as ever.

Then, after work, on a whim, I decided to drop by the Ramadhan bazaar at Jurong West to see if I could get any nice goodies for iftar but when I finally reached the place, I was too turned off by the crowd to proceed any further. Therefore, I went straight back home and indulged myself by being a couch potato for the next couple of hours, which is of course, really a not-too-bright an idea for someone who hasn't got much free time to spare on weekday evenings for such frivolous activities.

Well anyway, I know that there is this saying, "Those who can't do, teach," but I really detest people who underestimate what teachers do, outside and beyond the classroom. It demands alot of empathy to understand how tedious is the process of planning, executing and then following up, on an hour's worth of lesson. Is marking exam scripts just about picking up a red pen and putting ticks and crosses according to a prepared answer scheme? Is it enough to go into class armed with nothing else than a couple of whiteboard markers, a textbook, a degree and a history of a distinction in whatever subject you're teaching?? Sigh.

I really should put a stop to all this grumbling and whining. It's getting on my nerves!!!

quiet trepidation

2008-09-08T00:23:00.002+08:00

What's the perfect balance between yelling too much
and not yelling enough, so that people won't walk over you...

Time after time, I find that I'm struggling to tell you what's burning inside.
A glimmer of hope that you'll finally see;
yet I remain -- quiet.

it's over

2008-09-07T22:59:00.003+08:00

With effect from tomorrow, the September holidays would officially be over. A slew of emotions are within me. Sadness because I can no longer wake up at whatever time I want. Regret over the hours spent recklessly not doing anything constructive or productive. But also glad in a way, that I'll be back to my mundane existence, sharing daily woes with my colleagues and teaching/scolding/joking with my students.

Frankly, I can't say completely that the hols have been enjoyable; I spent the whole of yesterday being almost bedridden on account of my terrible cold and fever -- where is the joy in that?? I am happy, however, that I managed to get some shopping done early in the week. =) Slowly but surely, I'm crossing out the items on my invisible shopping list...

Nevertheless, the highlight of the previous week was actually the last day before term ended, i.e. Teachers' Day. I didn't get half as many presents as most of my colleagues but it really felt good to be acknowledged in some little way, even if by an awkward, handwritten and hand-made card. I guess, these kind of moments are when I feel that teaching is indeed a worthwhile vocation.

I don't think I will ever be the "greatest" in whatever but this will go down in history as the first stuffed animal I received as a present! LOL.

But of course, school begins afresh tomorrow and I'm already mentally preparing to hunt down all the overdue assignments which many kids still owe me, and am doubting if my holiday projects have been completed in time. And not forgetting the piles of marking still unfinished, exam papers to set... blah, blah, blah.

I think I'm becoming verbosely repetitive and whiney.

sniffles

2008-09-05T11:59:00.003+08:00

I woke up earlier for sahor with a slight itch at the back of my throat and a slightly runny nose. Down went the ninjom cough syrup, two generous tablespoons'-worth. Forgot about the piriton though.

Then when I woke up again a couple of hours ago, itchy throat was still there but runny nose seemed much worse. These are ominous signs that point to the one ailment that I am most susceptible to --- the common cold!!!

Ah, well. Cannot be in the pink of health all the time, right? By the way, mommy dearest has been nagging at me to drill some holes in the living room walls so that she could start hanging the wall-decor stuff. Ever since moving into my new flat (yes! I've moved!!), there are so many little to-do things that just keeps cropping up. I'll start taking measurements for aforesaid holes soon but drilling them would have to wait cos' I need to shower, go for Friday solat and then meet my financial planner later in town.

And finally, I am insured! LOL.

new beginnings

2008-09-05T01:59:00.002+08:00

I've been meaning to blog for ages but have never gotten around to do it. I believe it is one part being extremely busy with school and the other part just, plain, outright laziness and a refusal to sit down and do something about it.

Evidently, procrastination is still my number one vice, right after coffee and impulsive bursts of shopping. =)

As for my current progress, I am now a full-fledged (or is it "full-pledged??" I can never be sure which is the correct term...) chee-cher. Alhamdulillah. And Insyaallah, I will try my very best to be a capable one!

Frankly speaking, I've been trying to keep the latter revelation under wraps, not because I'm a secretive little goon but mainly because of deep-rooted insecurities about my new career. Perhaps, the less people know about what I do for a living, the less they would also know about how incompetent I am at work..??

Another reason is because, I am, by nature, a rather low profile person who does not wish to have the limelight focused too much on myself, for fear that people will not like what they see under close scrutinity.

Anyway, what better time to start a new blog than at the start of the fasting month and during the school September holidays when I have plenty of time to spare? However, "plenty of time" is a misleading phrase because it's already friday and the week is coming to a close... with me still having piles of worksheets to mark, papers to set, and lessons to plan! Sigh. How time flies when you're having fun.

YES. I'm guilty of spending the holidays oversleeping at home, bergolek-golek on my Ikea sofa-bed until the most disgusting hours of the afternoon. But isn't that what the holidays are for? =p

first entry

2008-09-04T21:59:00.001+08:00

What a wonderful world!