I now regard you with mistrust (just as how you must regard me). And I close myself up from you.
I don't know if you know what has happened to me since we last shared our last laugh together (months ago).
My world crumbled around me (yes, it was because of what you did) and I could not make sense of my life anymore.
I wondered why I existed. I wondered why I was never good enough. I wondered why my love was insufficient for you. I wondered why I could not make you happy.
I felt so small and helpless.
Before the incident, I had always believed in making the best out of life. That was why I stopped dreaming. I stopped wishing for life to progress. I stopped wondering about whether the grass is really greener on the other side. I was afraid of getting old, afraid of change, afraid of my own inadequacy. I kept telling you that routines are acceptable. Thus, we began to slip into a comfortable stagnancy. We stopped evolving. I thought it was enough for me.
Then you happened.
What you did, the collective of your actions, stirred something inside me that made me realise how much of a fictional world that I have been living in. It is all a pretense of happiness. My life has been a pretension.
I don't want to pretend anymore. Just as you have never been satisfied by the kind of love I've offered, I am now no longer satisfied by what you offer to "return" to my life.
I hunger to evolve. I hunger to change. I need new routines. I need to break old habits. I must not be afraid to grow old.
It is not easy to rebuild a world that has been demolished but I have attempted to do so --- without you in it. It may seem inconceivable to you, but I hunger for a different life.
You question, do I even think of you now, after all the dust have settled. As a matter of fact, yes I do. I think about you every day.
I think about the love we had. (was it real?)
I think about how you're doing. (should I care?)
I wonder if I could ever find someone who could accept me the way that you had (but in the end, when it came down to the crunch, you didn't know me well enough).
Perhaps I'm grasping at straws. Perhaps this is just a phase to "get back at you".
However, I know for sure that I'm keen for change. The same old things do not satiate me anymore. I want to explore new horizons, see new places, discover that the world is a sphere.. not just knowing... but to experience!
I still cry sometimes.. for what I/we have lost. I feel more alone now than I've ever felt. There is, perhaps, never going to be another love like you. But if you are not willing to change for -- or at least with -- me, then there is no longer a place in my life for you.
No more words please. No more broken promises or vows. Finally, no more last chances. It's now or never.
