hate

There are 4 people living in this flat, myself included. My brother occupies the room nearest to the living room. He is four years younger than me but I've long suspected that he's stuck at the mental age of seventeen.

His illness is probably to blame for this because he was diagnosed with lupus right after his 'O' level examinations. Back then, when most of his contemporaries were pulsing with life, bursting with raging hormones and excited at the prospect of tertiary education, my brother was fighting for his life in ICU. Being a lupus patient makes him susceptible to common illnesses which ordinary youths do not have to worry about. He is now working as a clerk somewhere (I'm not sure the exact location) and bringing back around 1k a month. About a quarter or a third of that goes into his monthly medical bills.

My sister's eldest daughter, now sixteen, shares the master bedroom with my mom. She hardly ever goes back to her mother's flat but nobody minds that because everyone thinks she is good company for my mom.

It's been nine years since my father passed away. The years have not been easy for mother; with each passing year, she has more grey hair, more wrinkles, more pains in her joints. And being the only person in this household with a "proper" job, it is my responsibility to look after her, my brother and my niece by default. Thus, this job, which I complain about constantly or whenever I have the opportunity to, is the ricebowl that feeds us all.

ANYone who comes in the way of my ricebowl -- who threatens it, who does not respect it, who puts it on the line and disregards it -- will be the object of my loathing. There are no second chances, no opportunities for remorse or regret.

From now on, I will spend all my waking hours, all my energies, despising you. Your neediness. Your dependence. Your very existence disgusts me now. You are an abomination. A blight upon my life and my happiness.

And now, you are nothing.