i couldn't stop crying

Something inside of me must have snapped. I couldn't stop crying.

After I closed the door of my room behind me, I stumbled to the floor, sobbing uncontrollably. For some minutes before, I was able to keep everything in; took a deep breath, turned the key in the keyhole, turned the knob, pushed open the front door, bolted it, then crept to my room like a seasoned burglar -- lest my mother, who at times could be a light sleeper, hears me.

I fell asleep in that pathetic state. An hour passed. The sound of running water must have woken me. I undressed and took a shower. My mother's face peeked from behind her bedroom door.

"Baru balik?" There was no hint of frustration in her voice. Perhaps she sounded even a little bemused.

"Dah tadi," I replied. It was the only words I could muster.

It felt good -- the shower. To scrub off the sweat and grime from my skin. To take off my contacts. To let the water wash off the scent of you from my nose -- your cigarette-tainted breath. But the water couldn't let me forget what you did.

As I curled myself up in bed, I suddenly felt it again. The tears. Another round, but this time, I cried into my pillow.

What I feared the most have happened and YOU made sure it happened. It was inevitable. Your unreasonable jealousy, fueled and enhanced by alcohol, led us to this state, just like those other times before.

Oh but you've gone overboard this time. You've certainly outdone yourself this time. It doesn't matter to you does it? This isn't YOUR neighbourhood. Why should you care? All you care about is to have your wounded pride appeased. Your green eye had clouded your judgment, and now you seek the "truth" and my annoyance at your unfair accusations only achieves to worsen it.

Even now, hours later, with the mild afternoon sun outside my window, I don't think I can forgive you. I am afraid . And I am tired. So tired. I can feel my eyes smarting with tears again.

I cannot forgive. I will not.