verbal vomit

Your exam paper is not worthy of even being my toilet paper! It's not worthy to wipe shit!

The excerpt above is just a tiny part of the five minute verbal vomit that I had in one of my classes yesterday morning. I apologize. I'm the worst "moulder of the future" there ever is because:

1) I always make resolutions to remain calm and objective but always get carried away by my emotions.

2) I can never stop my verbal vomit although I'm perfectly aware that it's doing more harm than good. And honestly, I just go on and on spouting nonsense until I finally realized what I was doing and calmed myself down...

But seriously, those kids really pissed me off. I was trying to make everyone understand that the reactivity series of metals can be easily recalled using a mnemonic which I've taught before, and then there they were, happily doing their own thing... i.e. chatting, sharing jokes, dozing... even after several reprimands. And mind you, three quarters of the class failed my subject! Apparently, the saying "learning from your mistakes" is alien to their childish minds. Can I help it then that I just went totally bonkers??

The funny thing was, although I was still piping mad after the verbal vomit, one of the malay boys who failed came up to me after class and told me frankly that he had "given up on chemistry." He proceeded to explain that he got drunk on sunday night and had a hangover on monday morning, the day of chemistry exam. What could one say after such a bold admission??!! I did manage though, to convince him that he had it in him to score a decent pass in chemistry. By the way, I was not making it up just to make him happy -- I really believed it too!

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On a more serious note, I spent the last hour before sleep last night, thinking if teaching is indeed the right path for me. I had wanted it to be. But I think, after yesterday's incident, that it is not fated.

I guess it is my fault that I'm never "assertive" enough. Perhaps, I'm not cut out for this job. Or perhaps I'm simply not trying hard enough. Many times, I've asked God in prayers, to make me strong enough, but time and again, I'm faced with challenges that test my ideals and aspirations.

I've been morose the whole day of yesterday after it happened and am trying valiantly to just forget that the incident ever happened. But even when I woke up this morning, it was still at the fringes of my mind. I am disappointed that my kids did not make the effort to pass their chemistry -- I had hoped that they would "wake up" abit since the 'N' levels are just a few months away. I was disappointed, and disappointment leaves a very bitter aftertaste...