not anymore

The wind is howling outside. Like lost ghosts. Rain pouring down in sheets. Perfect weather to be asleep in bed, curled up beneath your blanket.

But I'm not asleep.

I'm drinking coffee.. much diluted. Thinking that I am actually afraid of dying.

When I was abit younger, I used to wish, sometimes, that if I were to not to wake up from sleep, it would be a good thing. I wanted to sleep everything away. Now that I've become slightly older, slightly more jaded, I realise that I don't want to die like that.

Because if I did, I would miss my family very much.

where is that perfect day?

These past couple of weeks are full of ups and downs. The latter mostly, in fact. Work has been crazy and I've been plagued with an incessant cough and an annoying runny nose. Most of the time, I'm either drowsy from the anti-histamines I've been taking (and cough syrup) or I've got a mild throbbing headache at the back of my head (from thinking about work all the time!).

Today, I was supposed to be catching up on my homework but the daylight hours was spent nursing a bad-ass, congested nose and a headache. For most of the evening, I were busy ironing shirts for the whole week. I seriously, do not like ironing. Took me an hour and more just to finish six shirts! I'm really pathetic.

This year evidently, the stress is at an all-time high. I think I'm slowly, but surely, sinking into depression...

killer rojak

No other piece of local news so far this year, have caught my eye more than the plight of those affected by food poisoning after consuming rojak from one of geylang's most popular stalls. My condolences to the families of the two women who passed away due to (what is believed to be) complications of food poisoning.

If you think about it, it's also rather scary that a dish as popular as the quintessential Indian rojak can be deadly. And which Malay visitor of geylang would not buy his or her share of geylang goodies? Why, just the other day, my mom bought some satay (I've a weakness for mutton satay) during her trip there and I gorged myself so much I actually developed a sore throat and cough the day after. And I've been, on and off, coughing, eversince.

Whether the rojak sauce had been accidentally contaminated with rat poison (my mom's theory) or whether it was the nasty sabotage of a jealous competitor (my brother's theory) -- who knows? Two people have died and many others were in terrible pain as a result. I hope the authorities can uncover the cause of this tragedy soon so that history will not repeat itself. Because the next time I go to geylang and buy something edible from a stall at the temporary market, I want to feel safe.

been away too long

Seriously, I've been putting off updating my bloggy for so long - without me realising it, it's already April. Four months into the new year, which by the way, isn't so new by now, and what have I got to show for it??? Nothing much, basically. It's just the same old story.

************************************************************

We are like little ants floating on separate leaves upon this stream of consciousness. Time pulls us along in different directions, and I fear we will be swept away by our disparate lives very soon.

Is this what growing up entails? Becoming so distinct that we have lost the fundamental emotion of empathy for each other? Our happiness is no longer defined by the journeying together (like I used to believe it was) because the fact is, there is too little of "together" to make it worth it. Happiness has become snatches of time; fleeting moments of rushed evenings of conversations. It is never enough to satisfy our hunger; our desire to escape the realities of our weekday lives. Is our weekday lives the reality? Or those rushed evenings? But the latter is just too brief to be registered significantly by our calculating minds.

I don't know the remedy. How do we make our moments count in our journey together when "together" exists in banal moments? Is it banal because our precious conversations have become meaningless? Precious because of their rarity and meaningless because they have become mere platitudes. Empty conversations. We have become experts of polite and automaton responses that pretend to be cordial and sincere exchanges. Quantity of time does not affect its quality. It's not like that anymore. Everything counts in the end, doesn't it?

God help us.

happy new year

That last few weeks of 2008 has been a blast.. or sort of. Filled with many idle days of decadence; days with no objective, no productivity and not much cares.

Unfortunately, all good things have always got to come to an end and here's 2009, bringing with it a new set of challenges and forebodings. And let me assure you, I am very anxious about the next few months. One word of course, is the main reason of my anxiety -- work. Seriously, I've only been back at work for less than a fortnight but already, I'm now trying to accept (with much effort) certain decisions made by management concerning my workload and extra-curricular activity, much like a very sick person trying to swallow a very very bitter pill. How could I object? Especially if the very people responsible for those undesirable decisions are the same ones who have a say about your ricebowl?

Sometimes, the people with the most noble of intentions are the ones who are most cruel to you.

on hiatus

I'll be away for the next few days. Heading to KL (where else?) to unwind and recharge and hopefully reset my circadian clock because my sleeping hours have gone really crazy these days, eversince I've stopped reporting to school for official work. I know, I know I've been complaining non-stop about all my sleepless nights planning lessons, doing up powerpoint slides, setting test/exam papers, marking scripts, etc, and I keep telling people that teaching is NOT fun... but right now, when days are spent waking up late and indulging in my couch-potato tendencies, I feel that it's all been worth it.

Well anyway, I shouldn't really be too elated as I gotta go back to work end of next week (sob!sob!).

By the way, I totally forgot to wish everyone a merry Aidiladha. Much too late now isn't it? HAha.



That's my youngest niece. Isn't she just perfectly adorable! What can I say? I LOVE BABIES! :)

flaws and all

Very very recently I've discovered a song by Beyonce, which I mati-mati thought is in her latest album I am... Sasha Fierce but actually, it can be found in her previous album B day, the deluxe edition no less. (Btw, don't you just LOATHE deluxe editions of whatever? especially if you had bought the first, non-deluxe version already???)

This is probably the first (and the last?) time that I will ever append a youtube video to my blog but I'm sooooooo much in lurve with this song right now that I've just gotta share it with everyone no matter how sappy it might make me seem... Well anyway, in the vid, Beyonce is as gorgeous as always despite her power-exec look. Note also how she managed to be rather teary-eyed by song's end. Though not exactly the Oscar-winner type, Beyonce can be a really good actress when she applies herself. Can't wait for Cadillac Records to open in Singapore (she's headlining as Etta James!!).



Yes, I concede the lyrics are quite cliched but seriously, I am feeling this song very much! LOL

every other day, there is a tragedy

As a Singaporean, I felt the death of Lo Hwei Yen (held hostage during the recent Mumbai attacks) very keenly. I couldn't imagine the terror she must have felt right there in that hotel room, bound and waiting for rescue to come, at the mercy of her captors. What horrors must have gone through her mind during those last few moments before her precious life was taken away from her? She was a young, bright lawyer, just a year in her marriage, with a future before her... and by some cruel twist of fate, became a victim of the blind hatred and foolishness of a group of selfish humans who thoughtlessly murder innocents for the advancement of a questionable cause.

Just yesterday, a landslide in the suburbs of Kuala Lumpur claimed four lives, demolished more than a dozen homes while displacing hundreds (or thousands?) of other residents living in hillside estates or houses amid the government's fears that this calamity is possibly just a first amongst several others. It's the monsoon season afterall and landslides (devastating or not) are very probable.

It was reported recently that more than a thousand people, in Singapore, have died this year, from HIV infection and AIDS.

What is the purpose of this entry? I honestly don't know.

muallaf

In the not too distant past, I've blogged about the films I've seen but I've realised, quite some time back, that it was foolish of me to be critically assessing these films when in actual fact, I have very little knowledge about film-making, film-history or films at all. Sure, I've taken a module on American Film Studies and a couple other theatre-related modules back in my NUS days, and I must admit that I'm rather picky about the kind of films I watch, but that doesn't make me a film critic does it?

Well anyway, most of the time, though I tried to be as objective as possible in my "reviews", I know that I've failed miserably. The way I judge a film mostly depends on how the show has affected me and I can be quite a biased viewer. Take for instance the latest Yasmin Ahmad film, Muallaf, which opened at Cathay's the Picturehouse last thursday. Even before stepping into the cinema, I've already decided that it was going to be a great film and that I am going to like it very much. How objective is that!!! LOL

When converted to the English language, the term "Muallaf" means a convert, and to Malays (and Muslims), the word is used generally as a noun to refer to non-muslims who have embraced Islam as a religion. After reading several articles, I've discovered that the Chinese translation of the film's title means "Change of Heart", and not really a change of faith (i.e. religion) as the Malay title hints at. I was puzzled by the film's title at first because, although the film takes religious issues (and ideas in theology) and places them boldly and unabashedly center-stage (which is unlike previous Yasmin Ahmad films), there is nothing in the film that hints at a character converting to Islam.

Anyway, despite my preconceived notions that this would be Yasmin Ahmad's "heaviest" film to date (remember the controversy surrounding Sharifah Amani's shaved head??), I can't help thinking that Yasmin's previous film, Gubra, was emotionally more impactful. Nevertheless, Muallaf displays the typical Yasmin Ahmad modus operandi: the minimal use of music or song to enhance scenes, long protracted moments of silence when nothing much really happens on-screen, vistas of scenery to generate a certain mood or emotion, and that occasional snapshot of her film's characters doing something that doesn't seem to have any purpose in the context of the film at all. Most of the time, plotlines are implied rather than made explicit and we're always left to our own devices as to how to interpret certain actions, lines or images.

Great films, I realise, make use of silences and images very effectively. If used appropriately, these silent moments could generate very powerful emotions in the sensitive viewer. Take for instance Brokeback Mountain, Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon, Mukhsin, etc etc. Many of these have been described as "slow and draggy" but if we let them, great films will make us think introspectively, about human nature, humanity and above all else, about ourselves. Muallaf is indeed a great film.

It is not about religion, as most discerning film-reviewers have pointed out, but about love, about forgiving and forgiveness, and most importantly, it is about family.

4.5 out of 5 stars!!! ;D

counting blessings

Z: You're so old already. You should go out and see the world. What's the point of going KL only all the time? Aren't you bored??

Me: You've got a point...

It's true that I'm not getting any younger and sadly, I don't travel, nor do anything particularly exciting with my life. Perhaps that is why I sometimes feel so frustrated by my own "under-the-tortoise-shell" (that's a literal translation from the malay proverb!! haha) lifestyle, which is partly due to certain limitations, that I feel compelled to do something really foolish and stupid to vent my pent-up emotions. Like if I was on the road driving, I would impulsively break the speed limit and crash into a tree or something of the sort... just so the impact would jolt me back to my senses.

But of course, the consequences of such foolish actions will not only "wake" you up to the sensible world and reality, it would also cause grievous harm to yourself and to those who love you and whom you love. I've realised that sometimes, to wish for more, to crave the greener grass on the other side, is never really in your best interests.

I feel blessed for whatever and whoever I have in my life right now, and it's about time I start showing my gratitude for all these things and people I'm most fortunate to have in my life. Moreover, despite my meager December bonus (which has already become public knowledge), I am thankful that I have a job to go back to at all. =D

another cab, another conversation

Cab driver: Around three years ago, there were hardly any jams along the expressways at this hour...

Me: Eh? How come??

C.d.: Because COE has dropped so much, more people buy cars. That's why more jams!

Me: OH.. I see...

C.d.: Price of COE now $2... last time $10, 000!

Me: REALLY???!!

Either I'm very gullible or I'm just not updated about current affairs. I'd rather think that I'm the latter. Anyway, taxi fares are not what they used to be. From my place (in Jurong) to Millenia Walk, it cost me twenty bucks! There was a time it didn't even hit $12 or $14... sigh.

just another day

The rain was pretty heavy in the late morning and it went on all the way 'til late afternoon, thus giving the perfect excuse to stay home and laze around unproductively. Of course, an "off" day is not really an "off" day unless one has slept in (i.e. wake up quite late) but fortunately, I managed to pull myself together and roll off my bed by approximately 10am. That's not too disgusting a time to wake up from sleep on an "off" day, right??

I brought my sulking eight-year old niece to the library after the rain had turned into a slight drizzle. By then, it was already 4pm. Was actually determined to avoid the peak hour crowd and traffic. Am trying very hard to instill a reading habit into my niece so that she will be able to improve her (English) language skills but I'm not sure of the type of books that a primary-two-going-to-primary-three kid should be reading. As it is, she is still going for books which have more illustrations than words. Heck, the books she picked out probably had fewer than fifty words on each page. Is that normal for an eight-year old?? Have resolved to try reading to/with her at least twice/thrice a week.

Apart from that charitable library visit, I guess, the day hadn't been truly productive/constructive for me. However, I DID discover two new things today:
1) The National Library Board have increased the book lending quota to twice (or is it more than that?) the usual amount. For a limited time period of course.
2) The driver of the cab I was on, informed me that the first McDonald's ever to open in Singapore was the Lido branch.

Sometimes, conversations with cab drivers can be very interesting and enlightening -- Seriously, everytime I board a cab now, I expect cab drivers to make some kind of conversation with me and when they don't, I'd feel a tad disappointed. However, there have been a few cab drivers who just crap around too much and you feel like telling them to just shut up. But of course, these kind will never actually shut up until the moment you've paid your fare and stepped out of their cabs.

Anyway, it's back to the office tomorrow (or later actually) and the day after for some workshops/seminars and hopefully, the next couple of days won't be as dreadful as I think they'll be.

anniversary

Sometime early last week, was the anniversary of my father's death. It's amazing to think that it has already been close to six or seven years that he's been gone. It's also amazing that most of my most vivid memories of him are restricted to those few difficult months after his stroke, up until his passing. The significance of every other memory of him, during happier moments, seem to be eclipsed by that tumultous period of darkness when my family grappled with the aftermath of his stroke, and then his eventual death.

Rasulullah SAW. bersabda, "Apabila seseorang telah meninggal, terputus untuknya pahala segala amal, kecuali dari tiga hal yang tetap kekal: sedekah jariyah, ilmu yang bermanfaat, dan anak saleh yang senantiasa mendoakannya."

One of my biggest regrets in life is not being able to know my father truly, as a person, beyond his obligations as dad and husband, and not being able to tell him how much I loved him and appreciated his efforts to give me a good education so that I can have a "bright" future. I may not be, or even could ever be, the "anak saleh" father had wished or hoped for, but I have, and always will, mention father in my prayers.

an evening with anuar zain

"I was at the first floor, third row from the front. The view was GREAT! :D"

Anuar Zain is indisputably one of the most talented male artistes of his generation and it would seem inconceivable for me to miss his first ever solo concert (in Singapore?) at the Esplanade Concert Hall. So maybe sitting in the third row was a tad too obsessive perhaps but with ticket prices being what they were, I just thought I might as well get my money's worth. From my vantage point, it was possible to actually see the beads of perspiration that gradually trickled down Mr Zain's cheeks when he finished the first half of his concert!

Contrary to what you may think, I am NOT such an avid fan but I couldn't pass up on the opportunity of catching Mr Zain LIVE. All this while, I've seen him sing a couple of songs (or half-a-dozen at most) on TV in some variety show or other but can he carry the full weight of TWO hours (or slightly less) of concert showtime on his skinny shoulders? The answer is a resounding affirmative.

Despite having only three studio albums to his name, there is actually a rich plethora of ballads (and a precious few, yet still rather notable, uptempo numbers) for him to choose from to make up his itinerary of songs for the evening. Right from the moment his soulful vocals soared through the hall on Keabadian Cinta, he had the audience hooked. Although Mr Zain complained of a sore throat (or something of the sort) after an amazing rendition of I'm the Lucky One (or was it Mungkin?), his voice, fortunately, was in fine form that evening, all the way 'til his encore pieces Ketulusan Hati and Lelaki Ini.

However, I have two little grievances. One: Repartee with audience, was virtually negligible, except for maybe a couple of feeble attempts. I guess I was probably expecting something akin to the seasoned banter of Siti Nurhaliza or Sheila Majid, chatting up the audience, sharing "personal" experiences and stuff. Two: With the exception of a spontaneous (and awesome!) rendition of Greatest Love of All, all the other songs were from the Anuar Zain songbook. I was hoping that he would surprise his fans with a couple of songs, at least, which were not his own. Anuar Zain singing Dealova perhaps?? LOL

I was also quite disturbed by the sight of at least two whole rows of stall seats empty/unsold but from my point of view, it looked as if the upper floors were all nicely filled up. Apart from this, and my griping from earlier, Mr Zain's concert, I thought, was a triumph.

And I almost forgot to mention that the moment Mr Zain walked out after his last song, the same fans who were screaming for him previously, started calling out for Taufik Batisah. The latter even caused quite a jam in human traffic when he was exiting the hall. Honestly, women can be so fickle! =p

Avenue Q

JS: Is it any good?

Me: Yes! VERY!

JS: But it's about muppets, right? So childish!

Me: But it's NC-16 for a reason. It's starring muppets; It's NOT about muppets.

I think people who are afraid to watch Avenue Q fall into two categories: either they are afraid they would not be able to relate to the jokes and find them unfunny, which would of course be a complete waste of their time and money (seeing that tickets can be rather expensive) or they think that any show starring puppets cannot be seriously entertaining or worthwhile watching. However, Avenue Q is no Sesame Street and indeed, its NC-16 rating is not a mistake made by Singapore's censors. Sexual innuendos abound and there's even a couple of vulgarities but the elements of Avenue Q that remind us, not by accident, of Sesame Street only heightens the amusement factor of the show rather than diminish it.

Most of the songs sport some very witty, zany and even profane lyrics but they're so darn catchy that there is no doubt you will leave the theater with at least one or two tunes stuck in your head. However, I strongly advise against youtubing the tunes or watching clips of the show off the net until you've actually seen the whole show in its entirety because doing so would only take away some of the surprises from the comedy numbers. As you know, hilarious one-liners do not hold the same power when you hear them more than once.

There are a few times when the script requires the audience to have some knowledge of American culture, but even if you're pretty ignorant, I'm sure you would still be able to enjoy the performance of the talented Filipino actors and actresses who make up the cast. Of course, one must be realistic and NOT expect the original cast from the 2004 Broadway production (and if you ever do expect such a thing, for any theatrical show in Singapore, you're extremely foolish!) but I must say, the cast they've cobbled together for the Singapore shows are more than adequate in terms of acting chops and singing prowess to carry off their roles effectively. In my honest opinion, the actress handling Kate Monster especially, was very engaging.

According to the show's official website, there's only less than a week left before the show closes. There's a reason why Avenue Q won the prestigious Tony Award (which is the theater industry's equivalent to the Oscars) for Best Musical in 2004 -- it is really pretty good! Go catch it if you haven't but only if you have some spare change (because of inflation and all that). =D

we don't talk much about you anymore

We don't talk much about you anymore,
except on those rare occasions when conversations were
related to you in some way,
like about your eldest sister who has gone blind
or about scooters and helmets,
or hypertension.

And they don't talk much about you anymore either;
your siblings, on their merry visits during Eid
as they sit around the coffee table
making petty coffee table conversations
about every little inconsequential thing
their little minds could think of.

When they're around, I'd always make sure the TV was on
so that all chatter remains inconsequential,
but sometimes there are awkward silences in between
and then I'd wish you were here to help to fill in those gaps
with your unfailing way of making
conversations.

We don't talk much about you anymore, it's true,
Not in conversations over lunch, nor dinnertime, or at occasional get-togethers;
But there is a small part of you in my mind that is still
breathing, and laughing, and talking
and snoring. And perhaps mom, and sis, and bro and even your little nieces who
once knew you,
keep a small part of you too.

a month has passed

It must admit that it was more than a conscious effort for me to "avoid" blogging but I wasn't aware that it had been a month (and a day!) since I last blogged.

I HAVE been very busy especially during those October weeks and perhaps I SHOULD have taken a little time off to blog but unfortunately, every other free time I had, I thought it was better doing something else. Like SLEEP for instance. LOL.

Anyway, I DO have a lot to write about but it would have to wait 'til my next entry...

Me: I just find marking such a chore sometimes. Can mark until I'm cross-eyed! And eleven classes worth of exam papers to mark is no joke!

YQ: Then what's so fun about teaching? There must be something nice about it... that made you join teaching...

Me: It's fun when students say "I GEDDIT!", that they've understood whatever I've taught them. It makes me feel glad. And for that brief moment, I feel elated...

YQ: Oh? Really? Hmmm... I don't get it.

Me: To see enlightenment on students' faces...

YQ: I still don't get it...

Me: Er...

YQ: Just kidding. =D

I really do want to blog about how I spent my Hari Raya, and how crazy the past week has been. But I simply do NOT have the luxury of spending a good half-hour of my precious evening blogging, when I've got piles of work waiting for me. Bad enough that I'm such a slow, and easily distracted, worker. Nevertheless, will post more soon... I hope!

weekend's coming!

These last couple of days have been a blur. It felt almost as if I was in a kaleidoscopic dreamland of shifting, blurry images.

I think it's because of a constant, dull throbbing headache which I've been experiencing recently... But after sleeping for almost SEVEN hours straight, I feel abit better now, though not so much rejuvenated. I guess the prospect of having one more paper to set and four classes worth of tests to mark (all due by next monday) is NOT going to rejuvenate ANYone. HAha.

But enough about work.

At home, preparations for the upcoming Eid celebrations are in a mess. Since I've been busy, I haven't had the time to help out with anything and poor Mommy has had tonnes of stuff to do by herself. She's been pestering me to get a clock for the living room and some other stuff... all I could say is, "OK, soon.." :p

Every year for the last couple of years, I've been baking cookies (I can't cook but I CAN bake, but within limits of cos! lol) but I don't think I've got the time to do that THIS year. I still can't believe there's just one more weekend left before raya. How time flies. However, I'm dreading the weekend somehow -- because there's just so many things to do!

the last lap

PL: eh, since when have you been running?? I thought you very static one...
Me: very farni...

It's actually the last week before the final year exams. There are so many things to do in so little time. A whole gamut of feelings and emotions within, swirling inside me. (What's the difference between 'feeling' and 'emotion' anyway? Someone tried to clarify to me once, but I've forgotten..)

Sometimes, I feel a kind of burning resentment towards those fortunate enough to be in a career where they do not need to bring work home. EVER. Sometimes, I feel angry with myself for being too slow, too unproductive, too easily distracted, too weak-minded. Then sometimes too, I feel empowered and self-righteous, because what I do impacts alot of other people. And then of course, I am fearful of failure. Because if I've failed, it would mean I've let down not just myself, but my loved ones and family too. And I am disheartened -- and even infuriated! -- when those whom I consider closest to me do not understand my predicament.

On the one hand, there are moments when I feel the need to take a breather lest I burn myself out. On the other, I am afraid that every minute spent doing something else would mean a step towards futility and defeat. Even as I am writing these words, I am doubting the wisdom of my actions. Of the choices that I've made today. And again, the overwhelming dread of making less than perfect choices tomorrow.

I am not making any sense, aren't I? Sometimes, I think I am losing my sanity. Or maybe it's just a dull ache in my head; as if there is a cold, empty void somewhere between my eyes and the spot where my brain is supposed to be. Sometimes, I wish I could just curl up in bed and not have to wake up. Sleep is that one luxury I can never have enough of.

Do you realize, dear reader, that as you're sleeping comfortably in your home in the dead hours of night, I'd still be awake, still be at my laptop, frantically tip-tapping away at the keyboard and clicking my mouse, and all the time wishing I could join you in Slumberland?