weekend's coming!

These last couple of days have been a blur. It felt almost as if I was in a kaleidoscopic dreamland of shifting, blurry images.

I think it's because of a constant, dull throbbing headache which I've been experiencing recently... But after sleeping for almost SEVEN hours straight, I feel abit better now, though not so much rejuvenated. I guess the prospect of having one more paper to set and four classes worth of tests to mark (all due by next monday) is NOT going to rejuvenate ANYone. HAha.

But enough about work.

At home, preparations for the upcoming Eid celebrations are in a mess. Since I've been busy, I haven't had the time to help out with anything and poor Mommy has had tonnes of stuff to do by herself. She's been pestering me to get a clock for the living room and some other stuff... all I could say is, "OK, soon.." :p

Every year for the last couple of years, I've been baking cookies (I can't cook but I CAN bake, but within limits of cos! lol) but I don't think I've got the time to do that THIS year. I still can't believe there's just one more weekend left before raya. How time flies. However, I'm dreading the weekend somehow -- because there's just so many things to do!

the last lap

PL: eh, since when have you been running?? I thought you very static one...
Me: very farni...

It's actually the last week before the final year exams. There are so many things to do in so little time. A whole gamut of feelings and emotions within, swirling inside me. (What's the difference between 'feeling' and 'emotion' anyway? Someone tried to clarify to me once, but I've forgotten..)

Sometimes, I feel a kind of burning resentment towards those fortunate enough to be in a career where they do not need to bring work home. EVER. Sometimes, I feel angry with myself for being too slow, too unproductive, too easily distracted, too weak-minded. Then sometimes too, I feel empowered and self-righteous, because what I do impacts alot of other people. And then of course, I am fearful of failure. Because if I've failed, it would mean I've let down not just myself, but my loved ones and family too. And I am disheartened -- and even infuriated! -- when those whom I consider closest to me do not understand my predicament.

On the one hand, there are moments when I feel the need to take a breather lest I burn myself out. On the other, I am afraid that every minute spent doing something else would mean a step towards futility and defeat. Even as I am writing these words, I am doubting the wisdom of my actions. Of the choices that I've made today. And again, the overwhelming dread of making less than perfect choices tomorrow.

I am not making any sense, aren't I? Sometimes, I think I am losing my sanity. Or maybe it's just a dull ache in my head; as if there is a cold, empty void somewhere between my eyes and the spot where my brain is supposed to be. Sometimes, I wish I could just curl up in bed and not have to wake up. Sleep is that one luxury I can never have enough of.

Do you realize, dear reader, that as you're sleeping comfortably in your home in the dead hours of night, I'd still be awake, still be at my laptop, frantically tip-tapping away at the keyboard and clicking my mouse, and all the time wishing I could join you in Slumberland?

ran out

I managed to "escape" abit earlier from the confines of the staffroom today and thus headed straight to the nearby POSBank to change a bunch of $50 notes to the typical $2 bills for Aidilfitri distribution. To my great consternation (and disgust), the aforesaid bank had run out of $2 bills! Of course, it's all partly my fault because I had wanted to do this little chore sometime during the Sep hols but had put it off because a certain someone told me it was "too early" to do so. I know, I know that the past year's experience should have taught me better but I had been lucky so far, I guess... up until now that is.

Looks like I've got to try again sometime soon.

On another note, I think my eyebags must have increased significantly in size because lately, my eyes tend to feel heavier than usual. Anyone know any effective remedy to reduce eyebags and consequently energise tired eyes??? Price and where-to-buy info is much appreciated. LOL! Maklumlah, musim raya ni, mesti maintain sikit.. Don't want to look like a panda lah ;p

it's saturday

I woke up today to the ringing sound of my handphone...

H: Cik Duan, nanti cik duan datang untok tuisyen tak??

Me: (in hoarse, groggy, just-woke-up-from-sleep voice) Are your prelims over? Do you WANT me to come today???

H: Yes. Can you come later at 1pm?

Me: Sure... see you...

I was looking forward to a saturday spent entirely at home but I guess I should go where I'm needed.

I think I have been a very lousy tutor because I always have to practically drag myself to tuition every weekend. Probably it's because my fees are already long overdue. Or I think it's H's attitude towards his Math which I really, really loathe. He is lazy, with no initiative and apparently immune to all my nagging and motivational prompts. I won't be surprised if he does pretty badly for his prelims because he is the type who needs someone to constantly push him in order for him to practice his math. I think the only time he really does revise his math properly is when I'm around.

Anyway, my whole body is aching like crazy because I was sleeping in an awkward position. Feels like someone have been pulling on my arms and legs for hours. And my back feels like an elephant has been sitting on it all night... But on a positive note, I DID get the proper sleep which I've been coveting all week. Now, if only I can get my butt moving and get some work done!!!

tgif!

When the week first started, it seemed like it could go on forever. But before I knew it, it's already thursday night, the eve of a friday. I can't wait to get my seven hours of uninterrupted sleep again. The last time that happened was... let's see... last week during the hols.

Actually, a few noteworthy things occurred this week; on Monday afternoon, I had a dry racking cough and my voice was quite hoarse. Since my profession requires me to have nothing less than amazing powers of voice projection, I knew that I had to give my vocal cords a break lest they give way for good. So I paid a visit to the nearby clinic and discovered that I had a bad throat infection and needed to be on antibiotics. On wednesday, I was graciously "arrowed" to be involved in a demo-lesson for the school's open house in October. Later, more than a handful of considerate kids informed me that my "unglam" mug was in Lianhe Zaobao. I was quite happy because people who dislike me could now cut out my face and use it as a dartboard or a doormat. Not.

D: You hair looked messy and you had a funny expression on your face. But you still look hamsome!!

Me: Really? (with a wry smile). Thanks for the info. Did my name appear anywhere in the article or was I just a nameless face?

D: Nameless face. But now you're famous lah!!

Me: (weak laughter) Ha. Ha. Ha...

Thursday (or earlier today), I was shouting like nobody's business in class, intermittently within the space of an hour -- that's like a gazillion steps backwards on the path of recovery. I really couldn't help it; despite the awareness that I was fasting and thus, should be keeping my anger in check, I just lost abit of control. Now my voice is as hoarse as ever.

Then, after work, on a whim, I decided to drop by the Ramadhan bazaar at Jurong West to see if I could get any nice goodies for iftar but when I finally reached the place, I was too turned off by the crowd to proceed any further. Therefore, I went straight back home and indulged myself by being a couch potato for the next couple of hours, which is of course, really a not-too-bright an idea for someone who hasn't got much free time to spare on weekday evenings for such frivolous activities.

Well anyway, I know that there is this saying, "Those who can't do, teach," but I really detest people who underestimate what teachers do, outside and beyond the classroom. It demands alot of empathy to understand how tedious is the process of planning, executing and then following up, on an hour's worth of lesson. Is marking exam scripts just about picking up a red pen and putting ticks and crosses according to a prepared answer scheme? Is it enough to go into class armed with nothing else than a couple of whiteboard markers, a textbook, a degree and a history of a distinction in whatever subject you're teaching?? Sigh.

I really should put a stop to all this grumbling and whining. It's getting on my nerves!!!

quiet trepidation

What's the perfect balance between yelling too much
and not yelling enough, so that people won't walk over you...

Time after time, I find that I'm struggling to tell you what's burning inside.
A glimmer of hope that you'll finally see;
yet I remain -- quiet.

it's over

With effect from tomorrow, the September holidays would officially be over. A slew of emotions are within me. Sadness because I can no longer wake up at whatever time I want. Regret over the hours spent recklessly not doing anything constructive or productive. But also glad in a way, that I'll be back to my mundane existence, sharing daily woes with my colleagues and teaching/scolding/joking with my students.

Frankly, I can't say completely that the hols have been enjoyable; I spent the whole of yesterday being almost bedridden on account of my terrible cold and fever -- where is the joy in that?? I am happy, however, that I managed to get some shopping done early in the week. =) Slowly but surely, I'm crossing out the items on my invisible shopping list...

Nevertheless, the highlight of the previous week was actually the last day before term ended, i.e. Teachers' Day. I didn't get half as many presents as most of my colleagues but it really felt good to be acknowledged in some little way, even if by an awkward, handwritten and hand-made card. I guess, these kind of moments are when I feel that teaching is indeed a worthwhile vocation.


I don't think I will ever be the "greatest" in whatever but this will go down in history as the first stuffed animal I received as a present! LOL.

But of course, school begins afresh tomorrow and I'm already mentally preparing to hunt down all the overdue assignments which many kids still owe me, and am doubting if my holiday projects have been completed in time. And not forgetting the piles of marking still unfinished, exam papers to set... blah, blah, blah.

I think I'm becoming verbosely repetitive and whiney.

sniffles

I woke up earlier for sahor with a slight itch at the back of my throat and a slightly runny nose. Down went the ninjom cough syrup, two generous tablespoons'-worth. Forgot about the piriton though.

Then when I woke up again a couple of hours ago, itchy throat was still there but runny nose seemed much worse. These are ominous signs that point to the one ailment that I am most susceptible to --- the common cold!!!

Ah, well. Cannot be in the pink of health all the time, right? By the way, mommy dearest has been nagging at me to drill some holes in the living room walls so that she could start hanging the wall-decor stuff. Ever since moving into my new flat (yes! I've moved!!), there are so many little to-do things that just keeps cropping up. I'll start taking measurements for aforesaid holes soon but drilling them would have to wait cos' I need to shower, go for Friday solat and then meet my financial planner later in town.

And finally, I am insured! LOL.

new beginnings

I've been meaning to blog for ages but have never gotten around to do it. I believe it is one part being extremely busy with school and the other part just, plain, outright laziness and a refusal to sit down and do something about it.

Evidently, procrastination is still my number one vice, right after coffee and impulsive bursts of shopping. =)

As for my current progress, I am now a full-fledged (or is it "full-pledged??" I can never be sure which is the correct term...) chee-cher. Alhamdulillah. And Insyaallah, I will try my very best to be a capable one!

Frankly speaking, I've been trying to keep the latter revelation under wraps, not because I'm a secretive little goon but mainly because of deep-rooted insecurities about my new career. Perhaps, the less people know about what I do for a living, the less they would also know about how incompetent I am at work..??

Another reason is because, I am, by nature, a rather low profile person who does not wish to have the limelight focused too much on myself, for fear that people will not like what they see under close scrutinity.

Anyway, what better time to start a new blog than at the start of the fasting month and during the school September holidays when I have plenty of time to spare? However, "plenty of time" is a misleading phrase because it's already friday and the week is coming to a close... with me still having piles of worksheets to mark, papers to set, and lessons to plan! Sigh. How time flies when you're having fun.

YES. I'm guilty of spending the holidays oversleeping at home, bergolek-golek on my Ikea sofa-bed until the most disgusting hours of the afternoon. But isn't that what the holidays are for? =p

first entry

What a wonderful world!