PL: eh, since when have you been running?? I thought you very static one...
Me: very farni...
It's actually the last week before the final year exams. There are so many things to do in so little time. A whole gamut of feelings and emotions within, swirling inside me. (What's the difference between 'feeling' and 'emotion' anyway? Someone tried to clarify to me once, but I've forgotten..)
Sometimes, I feel a kind of burning resentment towards those fortunate enough to be in a career where they do not need to bring work home. EVER. Sometimes, I feel angry with myself for being too slow, too unproductive, too easily distracted, too weak-minded. Then sometimes too, I feel empowered and self-righteous, because what I do impacts alot of other people. And then of course, I am fearful of failure. Because if I've failed, it would mean I've let down not just myself, but my loved ones and family too. And I am disheartened -- and even infuriated! -- when those whom I consider closest to me do not understand my predicament.
On the one hand, there are moments when I feel the need to take a breather lest I burn myself out. On the other, I am afraid that every minute spent doing something else would mean a step towards futility and defeat. Even as I am writing these words, I am doubting the wisdom of my actions. Of the choices that I've made today. And again, the overwhelming dread of making less than perfect choices tomorrow.
I am not making any sense, aren't I? Sometimes, I think I am losing my sanity. Or maybe it's just a dull ache in my head; as if there is a cold, empty void somewhere between my eyes and the spot where my brain is supposed to be. Sometimes, I wish I could just curl up in bed and not have to wake up. Sleep is that one luxury I can never have enough of.
Do you realize, dear reader, that as you're sleeping comfortably in your home in the dead hours of night, I'd still be awake, still be at my laptop, frantically tip-tapping away at the keyboard and clicking my mouse, and all the time wishing I could join you in Slumberland?
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